Results - 22.06.12

Categories: Musicians & school/anything to do with education

Mark Lawrenson is the commentary equivalent of a value sized bag of jizzed-on spinach. His insight into the complex kickery of a football match may be highly accurate, I wouldn't know, but his delivery is so miserable that I would rather slowly dissect my renal system with a wooden comb than listen to two hours of his monotone vocal pissing. I tuned into yesterday's International Sports-Ball because I thought I might find myself immersed in some drama and excitement. Instead I found myself watching a game of football being commentated upon with the same level of passion that a cow might invest into a blow-by-blow account of it's own slaughter.

Tom Selleck:
heroin is bad

I don't think many people watching yesterday's match realistically expected much from England's best eleven players. However, I would have liked - just to make things interesting - for the commentary team to have created a false sense of expectation and to have been disgustingly partisan. No such luck. Guy Mowbrary (who sounds like a super-hero style mascot for the pork pie industry) and Mark "The Tom Selleck of Lancashire" Lawrenson spent the whole game declaring that nothing would 'come easily because this was, after all, England we're talking about". However refreshing it might be to finally harbour accurate expectations about English football I found myself preferring the old way: assuming that England are the best footballing team since Real Kick-Sports United FC. English sports fans seem to cope better with shattered dreams than they do with no dreams at all.

It will be a sad indictment for the nation when it wakes up and collectively realises that the one sporting field that remains buoyant and international dominant in is Punning. The Pun-off has been simply wonderful of late - inspiring, hilarious and heart warming. Like Alan Shearer.

In 3rd Place...behold! I sense that we're seeing a danger man develop here:

Examy Davis Jnr - Jack Richard Blakelock Kirby

JRBK delivers a water tight Pun: the modest frontal extension paves the way for a surprising and witty finish. This Pun suggests a methodical approach from Jack. Davis Junior isn't likely to spring to mind immediately and is more likely to have been searched for once 'Exam' had been decided upon as the foundation. I've no qualms to this approach; it implies that Kirby takes his Punning seriously and that he wants his reputation as one of this seasons success stories to be taken seriously as well.

"I DARE you to
be cooler than me"

In 2nd place...she's been top-toeing quietly in the Punning wilderness for a few weeks. But she's back:

SATs Domino - Laura Roberts

Laura's dominant form in early spring faltered as April ended but as predicted she wasn't out of contention for long. The marriage between Syllabic integrity and humour is the very essence of Punning but Roberts' strength is that she isn't afraid to do the basics well. Well done Laura and welcome back!

And in 1st Place...he doesn't place as often as I thought he might. However, I giggled like a tickled toddler when I read this one:

2:2 Pac - Paul Goodman

For such a concise Pun it delivers exceptional value. It falls comfortably into the "Concept Pun" category but stays on the right side of pretentiousness. Goodman has a sharp comic mind and is also blessed with a delightfully funny face. I once even laughed at the back of his head. This Pun won't be for everyone but for me it demonstrates the shear variety of approaches available to Punners - the Concept Pun, the Syllabic match, The Meta-Pun and The Themed Biss to name but a few. Well done Paul...shake your own hand.

And now to PEOPLE'S CHAMPION...

We've not seen a Pun like this before. It's a high concept, meta-Pun so rich and complex that it almost defies description.

Billy - 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939
9375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117
0679 82148086513823066470938446095505823172535940812
8481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964
4288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456
4856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458
7006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892593
60011330530548820466521384146951941511609 - per

Graham Denham

As soon as I saw this one go down I knew it would win this week's ultimate prize. I had an immediate sense that the Pun-Off community would appreciate a Pun so ambitious and a delivery so confident. With 17 "Likes" I'm pleased to award Graham Denham this week's People's Champion award. It's a baffling entry - and I love it.

Honourable Mentions

I've got time for a just a few this weeek:

Ofsted Nugent - John Talbot

My favourite of the Ofsted Puns

Histori Amos - Martin Hall

Typical skill from Hall  - good category mining here.

Mark-King - Nixy Nixipedia

Nixy needed to explain this one as not many people will know about Level 42's notorious slap-bassist. Had we been playing with the staff writing team of Mojo this would have won.

Pi-Mon Le Bon - Paul Parry

Clearly over shadowed by Denham's entry but I'm please Pi featured elsewhere.

Debuts

Rosie Green

I suspect Roise may have played before but I didn't want to risk it. So welcome! An energetic debut.

Jasper Waller-Bridge - I particularly enjoyed his "Grades Jones" effort. Welcome Jasper.

Thank you all for a great week and for all your very useful and interesting feedback concerning the future of The Pun-Off. We are moving house next Friday so I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to run the Pun-Off. If anyone would like to take over judging and results writing duties I'd be most appreciative.

Also, watch out in the week for an awesome guest blog by The Pun-Off's most inconsistent Punner - Rich Dinham.

Punning House relocates with consequences!

If you've followed this link gripped in the savage talons of terror - fear not - The Pun-off is not ending.

I've mentioned a number of times that Punning House will be relocating to a more rural setting - the Cotwolds market town of Stroud, Gloucestershire to be exact. The official upping of sticks will take place next Friday (29th June) - this means that Friday's Pun-Off will be the last administered entirely from London.

There are going to be consequences for The Pun-Off and The Punning Community as a whole and in the spirit of transparency I thought it best to openly propose some changes:

1. Change of start time

I propose to change the start time of The Pun-Off to 8:30am instead of the usual 9.30am.

But Steve, why?

I may not be able to access Facebook on my computer or phone at my new job - either due to filters, 3G coverage or (more likely) because I'll be trying to make a good impression. The earlier start will therefore enable me to declare 'Punning Open' before I get to work. The end time will stay the same - usually between 5.30pm-6.30pm depending on what I'm doing.

2. Less repeat monitoring

I propose that if you repeat a Pun then it counts as one of your 5 Puns. The Punner with the earliest recorded placement gets the credit. "Likes" on repeated Puns are void and non-transferable**. Repeated Puns cannot be removed and replaced - if you try to do this without others noticing then you are a silly sausage and not playing fair. But, I trust you all...I don't think you'd do a thing like that.

But Steve, why?

I won't be able to monitor every single entry like I do now. I may not be able to keep checking in on the day's progress like I do now and advising you of repeats - for the same reasons as above. I must say though, to be fair: repeat discipline is at an all time high. I used to throw out about 30-40 repeat notifications a day, now it's more like 5-6. Good stuff you lot.

**Non-transferable - For example: if 6 people like a repeated Pun those "Likes" are not transferred to the original. It would be too complicated otherwise. In the event of the People's Champion award being affected I will make a judgement call.

3. Biss monitoring

I propose that The Biss Clause be enforced by the community.

But Steve, why?

It's very rare that someone breaks the The Biss Clause nowadays but if someone does I'd appreciate it if Punners keeping a close eye could offer gentle and friendly reminders to guilty parties. Punners very rarely break the clause on purpose anywhere; it's usually an oversight of inexperience. Give people the benefit or the doubt.



A House of Lords Select Committee
discuss the changes at Punning House



So there you have it - let me know what you think of the proposals. Your feed back is important.

There are lots of other things I need to consider and adapt to in order to keep the Pun-Off running in the manner you have become accustomed. I have been considering taking a few weeks off - just so that I can get my head around our relocation. I have considered outsourcing the judging and results writing out to any volunteers** willing to give it a go. Full training will be provided of course. 

**If you'd like to have a go at judging and writing the results for the Pun-Off please let me know. If I can get 4-6 people willing to take over during July and August I may be able to squeeze a summer break out of it. That'd be useful.

All that I ask is that you can write well and would be willing to adhere to the traditional format and length. I would get final edit but I wouldn't change much as that would take up as much time as writing the thing! Let me know if you're interested.

So there we go - I hope this is all above board. Like I've said - thoughts, feelings, emotions and suggestion are welcome.

Results - 15.06.12

Categories: Television Programs & Things you'd find at a wedding

In a drawer in the bedroom of my flat, inside a toy First-Aid box, next to a fuel-less Zippo lighter and my father's wedding ring is a Polaroid picture of what I believe to be Angus Deayton in bed with a young woman. They are spooning one another, with Deayton in the familiar rear position resting his considerable chin on the right shoulder of a smiling, curly haired twenty-something. One imagines that the arm that rests awkwardly at his side does so because it has just been hastily withdrawn from pressing the timer switch on the camera. The light is low, the blankets beige and the mood affectionate. Deayton's face is ruddy enough to imply congress has recently shuddered to an end and his companion's expression reveals accurately measured expectation. 

I found the Polaroid on the corner of Kingly Street in London's Soho in early 2004. It blew past me as I strolled, as drunk as a Christmas uncle, to catch my bus home at four in the afternoon. Those were the days. I put it in a drawer and mostly forgot about it until Friday when I saw Jonn Dean's "Have I got Pews for You" entry. I'm not entirely sure what to do with the picture. The man may not even be Angus Deayton but it looks as much like him as is possible without it actually being him. My heart tells me to keep the picture safe and just bring it out at parties - as I've been known to do. I'm sure that in the future it'll provide me with  suitable opportunities to hold court and for a moment reinforce my self-generated reputation as a world-weary raconteur.

It was a wonderful week of Puns. The task of judging has never been so hard but as usual, I have endeavoured. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to appreciate Puns:

In 3rd Place....the categories don't always suit his style but this week he had a strong performance and delivered the goods:

Total Wifeout - Thomas Adams

With it's syllabic integrity, minimal alteration and amusing imagery, Adams' Pun claims a well deserved third place. Perhaps Total Wifeout has potential as a concept. Husbands could stand nearby and scream unrealistic suggestions at their reluctant wives as they get wet and thrown off things.

In 2nd place...he's a relative newcomer and recently expressed that The Pun-Off is all he lives for. I'm pleased then this entry tickled my fancy so vigorously:

Confetti Wainthrop investigates - David Whitehouse

Thinking about it - I don't think David actually said the Pun-Off is ALL that he lives for. Perhaps it's just something that enhances his already quite enjoyable life. That's my hope anyway - the pressure would be too much for me to bare. Anyway - Hetty Wainthropp Investigates was a detective show starring that old bird from Keeping Up Appearances. As a result, Patricia Routledge is essentially responsible for my understanding of the British class system. This Pun is as tight as a Duck's ass going down a water slide (Thank you Blake Mills). It also show cases David's strong knowledge base  - something we've realised is almost as important as a linguistically flexible mind.



Jazz Hands!!












And in 1st place...the quality of this Pun was reinforced in the Pub on Sunday when a few of my friends told me it was their favourite too:

Registrars in their eyes - Ray Freeplumber Neal

Ray's entry is as witty as it is technically brilliant. He's a relative new comer to the Pun-Off but he's been going the distance and demonstrating his ample capability in the Punning arena. Stars in their eyes brings to mind such wonderful nostalgia that it's difficult not to like this Pun purely because it mentions the show. I watched it every week for about 3 years in the mid-90's waiting patiently for someone to do Bob Dylan. Then someone did and it was crap. I didn't meet many girls.  I'm confident that this winning entry will signify a run of form for Ray. Well done to you!



Matthew Kelly:
Visiting his career



And so....to People's Champion!! Ladies and Gentlemen..he's back in the game!!

Pimp my bride - Alan Mitchell

Mitchell seemed to have descended into a Punning darkness - the kind of bleak nether-world of frustration and dead-ended thought that only a savage bout of Punner's Block can bring about. Don't get me wrong - his efforts have continued to be decent but just not as strong as we'd come to expect from one of the greats. He's a bit like Woody Allen in that respect - strong early work, a difficult middle period and a then a resurgence, all the while remaining engaged with his fan base with glimpses of genius. This is of course all open to debate. Well done Alan - you're back! With 18 "Likes" Alan is this week's Champion Du People (as they say in France - I presume). 

There was plenty worth a mention, too many really, so I've had to just sneak-a-peek at a few of my favourites: 

Buffet the vampire Slayer - Gareth Yardley

This was popular and frequently repeated. However, I've heard it before and as you know I'm trying to steer clear of Buffets. Good work though Gareth.

Strictly come dad Dancing - Jacob Robert Harris

My impending Fatherhood has many benefits - the main one? Justification for my astonishingly bad dancing. Thank you Jacob for this reminder and this lovely Pun.

How clean is your spouse? - Mat Barnett

Another very popular effort (15 likes) - could have competed for People's Champion. Pipped at the post.

Law and Hor'dOeuvres - Sophie Galpin

Galphin delivers yet again. She's dangerous - but in an 'Ice skating' kind of way...fun at the same time.

Debuts

Just the one this week I think:

Sally Richards - Welcome to Punning Sally! I hope it wasn't a flash in the pan and that we'll see more in the future. A good start.

Thank you all for your wonderful efforts - everyone seemed to respond very well to the categories. Except Rich Dinham - who was rubbish and is the first to achieve what is potentially one of the greatest Punning indignities: 5 entries and not a single like between them. He blames the whole thing on a hangover of course. See you then.

Honourable Mentions

Results - 08.06.12

Categories: Movies & War/Conflict/Armed forces

I came very close to joining the army. When I was a youth my dad regaled me with so many interesting and funny stories about his time as a 3rd Carabinier in the 1960's that I presumed it would be a proper laugh the whole time. He was chased down a Berlin street by a man in gimp suit brandishing a large rubber penis and a tray of feces, he caught one of his mates wanking into the turret of a tank and also found a cannon shell up a camel's arse that was filled with heroin. The fact that many of the tales had quite an obvious sexual theme did not deter me and my interest in the armed forces and it's various utilities has never really gone away - hence this week's category. This week was an great opportunity for a number of Punners to showcase the depth of their knowledge base and it produced one of my favourite week's of Punning.

In 3rd Place...good tank knowledge is like being able to read. Useful.

Kung Fu Panzer - Martin Hall

It is truly one of the most iconic of all the killing machines: Panzer tanks, Motorcycles, Ivan Drago - in that order. Panzer is married perfectly here with Jack Black's East Asian bear caper. I've not seen it. I liked this immediately and was delighted that someone had utilised the pleasingly flexible "Panzer" so well. Martin - look in the mirror, flick up two pointed fingers and whisper to yourself: "Winner". Do it now.

In 2nd place...it was the very first Pun of the day and almost snuck People's Champion:

Back to Falluja - Arron Pittman

I believe that "Back to Falluja has formed part of a winning Pun before. Either I'm subconsciously biased towards 80's sci-fi-romantic-adventure-comedies or it has some innate linguistic qualities that lend itself to being Punned upon. Pittman threw this excellent entry in early on and set the bar very high for the rest of the day. Arron - stand up, extend your arms up and out, offer your palms to the heavens, close your eyes and whisper: "It was my time!" Do it now.

And in 1st Place...a truly wonderful Pun that combines a harrowing humanitarian emergency....with Darfur...Oiiiii-oiiii!!!

Darfur weddings and a Funeral - Jonathan Foster

The confident melding of wit and technical excellence is what sets this Pun apart as this week's winner. The syllabic integrity isn't perfect but the subsequent content more than compensates for this. I wonder which of the categories came first for Foster? It's a question I often ask - how did this Pun come about in the composers mind? But, I think it's best not to know; it would be like asking Derren Brown how he hides his bald patch so well the whole time. Jonathan, you are the winner. Sit quietly all day with a smile on your face. When a colleague asks why you're so happy....PUNCH them in the throat as hard as you and scream at their crumpled body: "Because I won the Pun-off you C*nt!!!". Then flee.

And so to PEOPLE'S CHAMPION...like the proverbial workman's safety vest she's been a highly visible member of the Pun-off since her recent debut. This is thanks to her consistently robust efforts and general community spirit, all hail:

A Fish called Rwanda - Sophie Galpin

With 15 "Likes" Sophie takes her first People's Champion prize thanks to this excellent effort. It steadily rose to prominence and scooped the prize well before full time. I think that Micheal Palin ought to make a travel documentary called "A Fish called Rwanda". He, Jamie Lee-Curtis and John Cleese could travel around in a converted Bedford Rascal meeting locals and generally larking about. Note to Self: Contact BBC Four.



"Dogs Palin-comparison
to cats"



Honourable mentions

As I mentioned, it was a very strong week of Punning - plenty of honourable mentions this week:

Shot to defect when you're defecting - Nixy P Nixypedia

Big work from last week's winner. I can't wait to see this film - I imagine my experience of having a pregnant partner will be exactly the same as Chris Rock's.

Chronicles of nam-nia; the batta-lion, the snitch and the war-drone- Laura Gibson

High concept behaviour from Gibson. Largely tenuous but admirably brave.

The Lion, the Witch and the Spanish Civil Wardrobe - Dave High

Liked this one straight away - bulky but clever; it's the Stephen Fry of Puns.

You've got Chain-mail - Jennifer Farmer

Mentioning stuff from medieval warfare - immediate credit. I sincerely hope Jennifer's middle name is "Llama".

Withnail-bomb and I - Andy Burston

You can't argue with a Pun based on a Nail bomb. It's stark Punning, but it's good.

Carry on Mein Kampfing - Lucy Fortescue

Fortescue Puns brilliantly on the Roald Dahl classic.

My left, right, left, right, left, right foot - Tim "The Stalking Horse" Evans

This Pun is so clever it's quite alarming. I can picture Tim and his wife Hannah patting themselves on the back when they came up with this one.

Debuts

The Pun-Off is getting so big now that I'm worried I'm going to miss people! Please forgive me if I do...

Lynsey Dickenson - I failed to mention Lynsey's debut last week and she quite rightly got in touch and prompted me. It's rare that I miss a debut but when I do it hurts. It hurts me, it hurts you, it hurts Punning. I'm sorry. 

Thank you all so much for another week of succulent Puns. With only two more Pun-Offs left before Punning House relocates I'll be putting out an official statement about the future of The Pun-Off. Don't worry, I don't intend for it to stop - it's just that there may be some logistical implications based on moving to the hills, finding a house, finding a job, raising a baby and so on. I will persevere to endeavour to try everything I can to keep us in weekly Puns. Until Friday my dears.

Results - 01.06.12

Catergories: The Human body & Popular Song titles

The first day of June delivered yet another fine Pun-Off. Seven or so months on from its inception I can see how far we've all come since the Pre-Bissian days of punning infancy. I now sense confidence sprouting from the ears of previously reticent Punners - chests puffed out, chins pointing towards the spring sun so acutely that a sparrow might feasibly set about constructing an acceptable nest. The vigour about which you all address your Punning needs is quite startling and your gratitude towards the efforts of Punning House is heart warming. Punning House seems to have become an "institution" apparently perceived as being authoritative and organised when in reality it has all the composure and resilience of a fat man at a buffet. The fact that I have an  inter-generationally entrenched addiction to buffet type scenarios is merely a coincidence. Put it this way - my problem with over eating at buffets had gotten so bad that I now limit myself by shunning the plates provided and instead only take and consume what I can reasonably fit into an empty half-pint glass. I'll admit that I do feel uncomfortable walking around functions holding a glass containing a lonely, single chicken leg but this is entirely preferable to the alternative. Having a friend or loved one gently massage me back to life from the brink of a sweaty meat coma is an indignity too sharp and cutting to endure in these crucial middle years.

Buffets and digression; two flaws that I am valiantly attempting to address. With progress in mind I ought to swiftly recognise this weeks Punning elite before I publicly lament my inability to accurately fold a piece of paper in half.

In 3rd Place...it's a welcome return to form for a Punner that was once virtually unstoppable:

Scrotal eclipse of the fart - Tim "The stalking Horse" Evans

This is a surprisingly accurate Pun considering it's so effortlessly puerile. I did attempt to avoid picturing how a "Scrotal eclipse of the fart" might translate into a real-world situation but I have failed and am now left with some deeply upsetting imagery. Evans is one of the greats; a respected talisman of The Pun-Off and I'm delighted that he's back in the game.

In 2nd Place...It's initial accuracy conceals a pithy (and pissy) heart:

When urine love with a beautiful Woman - John Talbot

I'll admit to being rather fond of this song and I imagine this has played a part in the resulting fondness I feel for John's excellent entry. It is a perfectly accurate Pun - in fact, it is entirely indistinguishable from the original. Occasionally, such close similarity can undermine a Pun's impact but that is not the case here. Yes, Talbot has composed and delivered a highly accurate Pun but the marriage of the categories is what sets this entry apart. Excellent work John.

And in 1st Place....

Socket man (I think it's going Tibia long, long time) - Nixy P Nixipedia

Very occasionally a Pun will be so perfect that I just don't laugh. This is not because the Pun isn't funny, oh no, but because the technical quality is too good to trivialise with such a fleeting and ephemeral emotion as happiness. When I first read this effort from NPN I stopped what I was doing (chopping up basil) and solemnly whispered to myself "Shit....that's bloody good". "What?" Mrs. Pun-Off enquired whilst grating some cheese. "Oh, well...it's this Pun. It's just so, so good!" I replied (by now checking on the progress of my tomato sauce). As we ate our home made pizza later that evening we both agreed that this Pun was technically perfect, imaginative and indicative of a talented and generous Punning mind. Congratulations NPN.

"Unexpected items in the bagging area?"
"How dare you?!!"

And so to the prize of all prizes - People's Champion!

How do eye-lid without you - James Mochan

Mochan is enjoying a spectacular run of form of late. Early in James' career I sensed that he snatched at Puns too readily and probably fell short of his own high standards. However, six months or so into his Punning journey I'm confident he's now producing work that he can be consistently proud of. This excellent entry took the People's Champion prize with a very respectable 17 "Likes". Well done to you James - hug a loved one and whisper in their ear - "I did it Elizabeth....I bloody well did it." Don't worry if their name isn't Elizabeth - this is your moment.

Honourable Mentions

There were so , so, so many wonderful Puns this week that I've had to keep this section fairly modest and mention just a few.... 

Tit's the bell-end of the world arse we nose it (Hand eye feel Thigh-ne) - Dave High

I'm counting a 7-Pun entry here from Dave. He was guilty of over-reaching last week but this takes the Chocolate Hob-Nob; it really is a joy to behold. Someone now needs to unleash a Octo-Pun to beat Dave's monolithic effort.

Comfortably Thumb - Mark Watts 

Watts finds form delightfully with this simple, clever entry.

Knees, Knees, Knees let me get what I want - Scoot Just Scoot

Wonderful stuff from SJS.

Disco Toothousand - Thomas Adams

Accurate Punnery from Adams; he's inconsistent in form but I sense that he's now finding a rhythm.

Debuts

I believe that the following Punner were debutants this week - forgive me if I'm not right  - it's getting harder and harder to keep track of you all. I don't love you any less though...

Lucy Fortescue - "Let's get ready to Thumble" is an excellent example of confident debut Punning. A good start.

Christa Norman - "Lats Dance" - good knowledge of anatomy from Norman.

I think that's it - speak up if I've neglected you! Sorry, it's purely an administrative oversight...coz I is a wally.

Thank you all once again for another magical week of Puns; I look forward to us meeting again on Friday. Until then....