Pun-off results - Christmas special 2014

Categories: Christmas & household items 

 

It will probably not surprise you that I am writing this beneath the weight of considerable guilt. If it’s of any consolation, I’m not impressed with my tardiness either and have found myself trying to settle on a suitable, believable excuse from the shortlist I developed last week while stirring risotto. So, please pick one you’re happy with and we can all get on with our lives:

 

1. I began and ended a tumultuous love affair with Danny McNamara - lead singer of 90’s rock band Embrace.

 

2. I founded a clothing company with Noel Edmunds called ‘Cotton Edmunds’.

 

3. I was appointed chairman of the Parliamentary Select Committee for Security and Intelligence.

 

4. Hepatitis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, I simply can’t delay and longer – you’ve not come here to dilly-dally.

 

In 3rd place:

 

Loft Tinselation (23 likes) – Chimpo Mcr

 

He’s a robust unit prone to sowing delicate, almost fragrant puns. Here, Chimpo offers an inspired juxtaposition between the desolate, cobwebbed loft and the optimistic sparkle of freshly laid tinsel. Very much a ‘Punner of the people’ Chimpo represents much that is good about Punning in his sensitive, un-showy approach. He always shows courage and foresight throughout his campaigns and is not afraid to express his emotions in a world full of callous cynics.

 

In 2^nd Place:

 

The Queen’s Bleach (24 likes)  – Graeme Smith

 

Familiar to all, revered by many and most probably envied by a few, Smith is very much a punner’s punner. He’s renowned for his explosive pace off the mark and – like his entry here – often unleashes his offerings early and in a manner bordering on confrontational, careful never to cross the line into aggressive. He’s like the big dog that sniffs the little dogs bum – he knows he’s dominant but it’s customary and therefore accepted graciously by the sniffee. A pun that conjures in the mind any sort of feasible reality is destined for recognition here.  

 

And in 1^st place…

 

Duvet know it’s Christmas time – John Talbot (33 likes)

 

Talbot is victorious! Praise him! Seamlessness of phrasing is a speciality that Talbot has pioneered over the years, and his entry here shows that even the most complex phase can be coerced and ultimately upgraded into a pun. Talbot takes the crown for the year and will no doubt carry the mantle with distinction until December. He’s a fine ambassador for Puns and I’m delighted to crown such a worthy winner.


We had strong puns throughout the day with entries from legends of the game, some gifted amateur and a sprinkling of 'start-up' punners. All welcome of course. Some people's form has clearly dipped in light of the extended and enforced sabbatical - but, some and you know who you are) simply haven't lost it. Punning is a momentum game - those that Pun in every day life can walk into a competitive environment without breaking their stride. Some of you benefit from regular formal opportunities, but this ultimately leads to wavering form. If there's one lesson to take from this year's competition it's that if you want to be next year's John Talbo you need to bring puns into everyday life - everyday, and in everyway. Crack on.

Ladies and gentlemen - until next year!

 

The Pun-Off Ends....goodbye!

 

I think it was Frank Skinner that said something along the lines of: "Its better to quickly kick a dog to death than to slowly let is starve".

 

I think he was referring (in rather grizzly terms) to the inevitable fading of old friendships that occurs when one approaches their 30's. I certainly agree with the idea behind the quote and I applaude Mr. Skinner for not submitting to the tempatation to wrap it in a wooly, pleasant metaphor cardigan (like this one). However, the sentiment has been more poetically and universally put than that.

 

It was Neil Young (not the baddie from "Highlander") that said: "It's better to burn out than it is to rust" and I think this idea helped me come to the decision to end The Pun-Off. There is still enthusiasm out there for The Pun-Off, the drop in the number of particiapting punners and those viewing the blog has been noticable but modest, certainly nothing significant. However, I sense that it has run it's course - it's best days are behind it and to lollop on, clinging as we often do to past successes would be both an unwise use of time and an act not in keeping with my forward looking, positive outlook on life.

 

The Pun-off was a surpise "hit" - I started it as a means of extending the fun I'd had making up Puns with my friends in Ravenscourt Park and with my girlfriend when we couldn't sleep. It only became a more formalised institution when the demand indicated the need for structure and govenence. However, what surprised me even more was that the formalising of proceedings increased it's popularity, with people all over the UK (and the World) writing to me asking me to join in.

 

I suppose The Pun-Off has slightly restored my faith in the mild usefulness of Facebook. I have become connected to many people who have a similar outlook on things. I enjoy their statuses, their interesting shares or articles, and their good will about my contributions.  There is of course people to which this doesn't apply, but who am I to exclude someone from The Pun-Off because I don't agree with how they use their own Facebook account. The Pun-Off was intended to be for everyone, and I hope I stayed true to my ideal.

 

I hope to keep in touch with many of you and hope that if we were to bump into one another we might consumate our virtual relationship with actual face-to-face interaction, and who knows...perhaps a pint?

 

There are too many people to thank individually - so I will simpy say this: The Pun-Off has been a genuine honour to run. I am equally humbled and delighted that so many people enjoyed taking part, that laughs were had and that strangers connected and shared something together in the name of good-humour, language and sillyness. I will selfishly confess that I have enjoyed having a platform for my writing. It is something that I enjoy doing and although I'm nothing special in this regard I have enjoyed having the oppourtunity to try my best and persue an ability (however mild) that I really ought to persue. I thank you for your kind words of encouragment and for your compliments.

 

So, that just leaves me to say a final thank-you and goodbye. While "The Pun-Off" ends The Pun still lives on in all of us - there are hundreds of other public punning formats out there. Please forgive me if I am expressing delusions here but The Pun-off genuinely means a lot to me, I am proud of it, and it is sad that it has to end. But there you go...

 

We had a good little thing going there folks; thank you.

 

Geese: Wankers

 

 

  

 

 

Results - 08/02/2013

Categories: Body parts & Countries

The classic thriller "The Fugitive" starring Harrison Ford did little to enhance the image of amputees in the public eye. In fact, it adhered to the persistent and unfair Hollywood habit of giving movie baddies disabilities and deformities. Whether its a hook, an eye-patch, some sort of facial scarring or a manic, sociopathic mental illness - movie baddies will invariably be "differently abled". These physical or mental disorders are subtley referred to almost as the cause of the evil doer's isolation from society - an isolation that leads to hatred and ultimatley to the assembly of a uniformed militia and the construction of a huge and elaborate underwater/inside a volcano base of some kind.

 

 

A non-disabled baddie - Rare!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perhaps Daffydd Cameron's Bedroom tax will inadvertantly limit the activities of these tyrannical disabled beasts by forcing them to pay for all the unused bedrooms in their massive lairs. That would be helpful. Or perhaps, it will simply just make the lives of people with disabilities even harder than it already is. Thanks for that you Moon-faced, horse covetting, chinny ponce. And yes, I've resorted to making fun of your appearance because I couldn't think of anything funny to write about the three tax-payer funded houses you have for your family of five.

 

This of course, leads me to what's his name - fast bloke, no legs, trigger happy - him. He has had two of his body parts amputated and he lives in a foriegn country...and that is the only reason he is getting a mention - because he reminds me of last week's PUN-OFF categories!

 

Alex Jones came flying in early doors with a his popular "Thighland" entry - gaining an admirable 8 Likes and a catchy name for the strip club I assume he intends to open once he gets permission from the council. Alex's effort was closely followed by the precision purility of David Whitehouse's "Botsweener".

 

However, glory was acheived aftre just 49 minutes of play by the magestic Russell Parker who jogged to victory by a huge margin. 16 Likes for his "Ovarie Coast" means that Russell is this week's PEOPLE'S CHAMPION. A testimonial on Russell's website describles him as having "A contagious charm". I know this to be false and can confirm that this is in fact a type error. Russell actually has a contagious ARM.

 

Honourable mentions

 

"Chinidad & Toebago" by Jonjo Neeves deserved much more recognition than it got - althought 11 Likes is not to be sniffed at.

 

Likewise for Philip Ashman's "Japancreas" - a pleasing meld of two highly regarded outposts.

 

Matt Fleming's "Labia" combined brevity, biology and North Africa in one, five letter words. Brave...almost visionary wordage from Fleming.

 

Good work one and all - it was a classic week of punning, a vintage week of skill and hilarity. Thank you once again.

 

Also, please forgive my forgetfulnnes of late - I've either got early onset dementia or its because of the baby.

 

 

 

 

Results - 25th January 2013

Categories: Emotional states/feelings & Animals

 

Last week's Pun-off reminded me of just how varied and complex the spectrum of human emotion can be: the soaring highs, the crushing lows and the muddy ambivalence's of everything in between. It is a small mercy that I have a phenomenally efficient filter in operation ensuring that the response to every question regarding my state of mind starts and finishes with: "Yeah, sound thanks...yeah". I call it the "Sound-thanks Sandwich" and it works wonderfully - give it a go!

 

The winner of last week's fine punnery affair might want to pepper his "How are you?" responses with not so subtle allusions to his glorious victory.

 

Friend: Hey, how are you?

 

Winner: Yeah, sound thanks....<stretching into a fake yawn depicting how casual he is> you know...just winning the Pun-Off and that...but yeah, sound thanks.

 

It was a strong start once again with debutant Andrew William Spence throwing in the highly unorthodox, cryptic but no less enjoyable "Finding Emo" - think about it. It's a good one. David Whitehouse was next to impress with his popular and titular "Sexual Arowlsal" - it's a bit of a tongue twister but Whitehouse is prone to experimentation...and is certainly better for it.
 

This week's People's Champion has been a regular on the Punning Scene since the early days and usually displays a skill level that puts him very much in the "Workmanlike/reliable/dependable" category of punners - skillful but not a mercurial maverick like your Dean's and your Galpin's. However, this week he has risen in prominence to produce this fine piece of work:

 

Pheasantly surprised - Martyn Norman

 

 

"Come at me bro....!"

 

 

 

Congratulations Martyn - a very admirable 12 likes seals the deal for you this week. Pheasantly surprised sounds like the name of tasty west country real ale. Real ale is not only one of the best things to ever happen it is also a refuge for self-conscious Puns. Martyn's Pun is a delight to behold and to say - a worthy winner indeed.

 

Honourable mentions

 

 

Mehcat - Pete Williams

 

The expression "Meh" has recently become absorbed into the lexicon of emotion and I'm delighted that Pete was willing to be progressive and aggressive with it's usage here.

 

Hawkward - Emma Mortali

 

Another belter on a bird theme - creative thinking from Mortali.

Bi-Polar Bear - Jon Fawbert

A popular effort that just missed out on the top spot.


#We also had a couple of debuts this week:


Nick Murrie
It was a tentative opening day for Nick...but we've seen this from debutants before and it's only a matter of time before the need to create increasingly elaborate Puns interferes with his professional life.

Andrew William Spence
A promising new-comer to the competition who has already shown an eagerness and a creative streak. One of my "Ones to watch "for the 2013 season.


A loving, affectionate week of Punning, thank you to all that took part. There will probably be a Pun-Off tomorrow, I'll try not to forget!

 

 

Resuls - 11/01/13

Categories: Novels/books/literature

 

Puns have featured pominently in the public eye this week thanks to the not so surprising discovery of horse in Tesco's "beef burgers". They've been having a right 'mare! See, even I'm at it! All the recycled Puns on my Facebook newsfeed cause me to wonder whether there might be central agency that releases Puns to the public following something vaguely amusing happening in the news. If so, I want a job there.

 

I wasn't surprised to hear that cheap supermarket burgers have got "other" animals in them and I don't exactly sympathise with anyone who feels that they have been decieved by the labelling. Most people who genuinely give a toss about what they put into their bodies know that there are dodgy things going on at the lower end of the price point. To assume that a global corportate monolith has your interests at heart is as naive as it is hilarious.

 

This seemlessly brings us to this weeks competetion. Like last week we almost had a winner from the off with Jonn Dean's compelling opening effort (50 Shades of Cray) and Shane Mageean's wonderfully composed To Krill a Mockingbird. This week's winner is a veteran of The Pun-Off stage:

 

Chimpo McR - Lord of Herrings

 

One is required to slightly alter ones approach with this entry. The natural rhythm of the original phrase is disrupted but the pay-off is well worth the extra linguistic yardage. Chimpo has solid Punning heritage and keeps good word-play company thanks to his association with Pun-Off titan Richard Reason. The pair of them have recently taken to running their own pun-off as a means of promoting their popular Manchester club night. The winner of their competition gets free tickets and exciting free stuff. I may well consider awarding prizes for my Pun-off but the only regular club-like thing I run  is actually the Pun-Off so the prize would be painfully cyclical. Well done Chimpo McR - I've done my best to get yours name right this time!
 



 A male Herring is called a "Hisring"

 

 

 

 

 

Honourable mentions

 

 

Sam Palmer - The Cod Delusion

Wonderful images being conjoured up here - especially in light of the fact that all the Prawn again Christians will be furious. 

 

James Mochan - Clamlet

I understand that James dabbled in one of our defectors Pun-Offs while I was away. You may remember there being a guy I can only describe as "a right bell-end" being involved in the early days. Anyway, he went off and started his own Pun-off and James was seen to get involved. However, I forgive him entirely pending a full letter of apology (and HMV gift card). Welcome back James.

 

Oliver Hire - Great Excrustacians

Mr. Hire always seems to be Punning from some foreign shore and has travelled so widely that it is not uncommon for him to be pulled aside by customs officers because of his  multiple Somali passport stamps. How he manages the all the time-difference and such quality puns is beyond me. 

 

Siany Jones - The Hitch-Pike-ers Tide to the Galax-Sea

This is just massive from Jones. She often aims high and rarely falls short. Known for her multi-puns Siany remains a prominent figure. So much so that she will be running a 3-day Multi-pun workshop at Birmingham NEC in April. Tickets are on sale (£345 inc. accomodation)

 

David Whitehouse - Do Androids Breem of electric Sheep

Unfortunatley for David this fine entry was entered to late to yield an likes - had it not come to mind so late I suspect David would have much to celebrate this week. Solid knowledge base from Whitehouse.

 

 

Thank you to everyone who took part - it was solid week with a pleasant, easy going feel. I look forward to seeing your efforts tomorrow. Get involved, tell your friends, never stop punning!

 

Results - Christmas Special 2012

Categories: Christmas & Famous Brits

 

"What a marvellous food it is!" I thought as I pinched an egg from it's cardboard nest. The humble egg: such a dexterous orb of potential, a proud, unsung martyr amidst all the fluff and grandeur of a modern kitchen. With all it's unhatched potential and vulnerability I admired it, held at eye-level in the fluorescent light of it's battleground and limply wristed it onto the edge of the bowl. As I whisked my mind wandered and happened upon my developing list of New Years resolutions. I decided to add something:

 

1. I will stop personifying foods

If I see an uneaten grape or a forgotten carrot I must not feel sorry for it as if it were a child left behind after World War II evacuation selection line-up. It draws valuable attention away from my own child who I appear to be using as a subconscious conduit for my feelings about food by dropping a small portion of everything I eat on her head.

 

2. I must stop dropping food on my daughter

She spends a lot of time in the sling, attached in a seemingly perilous dangle from my chest. Having her so close is lovely for us both of course but it does mean that I have to do almost everything at arms length - this includes eating. I'm a messy eater at the best of times - at University I has a special T-Shirt I would put on at tea-time to preserve the 2-3 clean ones I had for another day. By the end of term it had absorbed almost every conceivable flavour and could, if licked hard enough, be experienced in the same way as that magic wall paper in Willy Wonka's factory of Choco-perversion. I'm concerned that if the current regime continues relatives visiting and kissing our daughter gently on the cheek will be able to tell what we had for lunch the day before.

 

3. Get to the Pun-off results in under two paragraphs

It appears I have failed on this occasion. Right! Starting Monday...

 

So, in a departure from tradition I will not be awarding a 1st, 2nd and 3rd place anymore. I'm uncomfortable with the power - this is essentially a community brought together by a love of Punning and me deciding a "winner" and hanging the sword of Punicles above their victorious head for a week makes me uncomfortable. Also, the People's Champion is clearly the title to go for - the admiration of your peers is reward enough surely. Honourable mentions will stay and benefit from a slight extension. So here we go:

 

PEOPLE'S CHAMPION

 

The opening Pun of the day at 9:32am was a strong one from James "The Bulb" Watts (DENISE VAN SPROUTEN) and gained an impressive opening vote with 14 likes. This was promptly followed and topped by Philip Ashman who achieved an impressively early 15 likes with his first entry (Ant & Decorations). However, by 9:45am we had our People's Champion:

 

Hanukkah Rice - Jonn Dean

 

Oh! The familiar feeling of typing Jonn Dean's name next to a victorious Pun! I'm not surprised to see Dean featuring so prominently at the start of the season. He showed consistent form in the early days of Pun-Off. He's clearly benefited from the break and returns here as worthy winner with a handsome 19 Likes. Here he shows an astounding flexibility to shift the category cross-culturally without undermining its impact. Sure, syabblically it is strong but that's not why it achieved what it did. There is a nostalgia factor here and possibly even a mild subconscious sexual element as those of us that were pre-teens during Anneka Rice's spandexular reign will testify. I didn't actually have lustfull feeling for Rice...but I sensed that my dad did and that induced an interesting, conflicted reaction in me. The same happened with Debbie McGhee, and Barry Norman. Well done Jon, you're the King of Christmas!!!

 

Factual Caption
Rice: Holding a hat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honourable Mentions

 

Eamon Driving Holmes for Christmas - Kelly Williams

 

Punning House (Stroud) enjoyed this one and I sung it merrily that evening. Williams showed potential through-out the day.

 

David Paperhattenborough - Emma Mortali 

 

Mortali has always been a contender but has (up to now ) not reached her potential - I sense that last week's competition could be the start of something special.

 

Five Gold Stings! - Aaron Pittman

 

I was singing this one too and will do forever more! Pittman wins the Edward McCartney showboating award for his thematic work on the day. Punning strongman Tim Evans very shrewdly forgave the typically frowned upon use of exclamation marks because of the tradition fervour with which "FIIIIIVE GOOOO.....ULD RINGS!" is usually sung.

 

Santa-y Hopkins - Sophie Galpin

 

I anticipated a strong game from Sophie and she did not fail us. Consistently strong and innovative, The Galp is THE punner to watch in this season.

 

And there we have it. Apologies for the slightly late results - my "change of circumstances" (that makes it sound like a bad thing!) means that I am hoping to get the results done in an hour - i.e. my dinner hour on a Monday or Tuesday. It means the results are likely to be a bit shorter but that's no bad thing. So, tune in tomorrow when I will be administering the Pun-Off while travelling to and from Cornwall for work.

 

Thank you to those that welcomed me back so kindly - I really hope that I can deliver on my promise to reinstate The Pun-Off - I will do my best and I hope I can rely on your patience. Until tomorrow!