Pun Street - A Pun Treat! By Tim Evans

As part of a noble punning community here at The Pun Off we each bear a solemn duty to promote and encourage genuine and honourable punning endeavours wherever we find them, and thus advance the greater glory of wordplay as an art.

I am but a small part of the Punning House machine, whereas everyone always says Steve is such a massive cog.  I think it was ‘cog’.  But I digress – the point is we all have a part to play and I’d like make a contribution now by celebrating some glorious wordplay that has been coming in my ears from Dave Gorman’s rather fine Absolute Radio show.  Dave is a man after my own heart.  Bearded, verbose, intelligent, charming, witty – we could well have been separated at birth, the mind boggling complications suggested by the fact he is nine years older than me notwithstanding.  He is a steward of ‘Pun Street’ – an area made up of listener nominated shops and service providers who have the imagination, humour, business nous and plain common bloody decency to make the name of their enterprise a pun.  I am aware of a Meatloaf tribute act covering the Humber region who has not called himself “Bat Out of Hull.”  Criminal.  The businesses have to be real and there can only be one of each type.  Anyone with a basic grasp of the economics of supply and demand in imaginary retail environments can see the sense in that.

As part of the Pun Street Planning Committee, Gorman has overseen the development of one of the largest shopping districts in the UK and, to the best of my knowledge, certainly the largest fictional retail destination made up of non-fictional retailers with pun based names.

Dave Gorman

What I thought I’d do (good idea this) is choose my own first, second and third place puns from the businesses on Pun Street, and then perhaps briefly cover a handful of other runners up, or give them an “honourable mention,” if you will.  I’ve a nagging feeling that format is familiar from somewhere.  But to the results:

In third place:

Crazy Golf - Jurassic Par

What it loses in phonetic similarity it more than makes up for in effortless, minimalist genius.  The skilful subtraction or addition of a single letter that ushers in an entirely new meaning and opens up the glorious vista of a massive, previously unimagined, concept is commonly looked upon favourably by Punning House (Steve), and this example suggests no grounds to change that outlook.  I must confess I have foolishly played crazy golf on another dinosaur themed course which, I am ashamed to admit, was called “Jurassic Golf.”  Knowing now how reticent they had been in naming their business I wouldn’t extract their DNA from an insect preserved in prehistoric amber if they were extinct.  Rumours that Jurassic Par is owned by an Albert Ross and his Chinese business partner Ho Lin Wan are, at time of writing, thought to be bollocks.

Second place goes to:

CD Sleeve manufacturers - A CD Sleeve

This pun benefits from thematic purity, the pun and the product both being music based.  It somehow combines a creeping subtlety with forehead slapping, startling obviousness once the pun has revealed itself; a paradox that makes for very arresting wordplay.  It comprises a brittle outer shell of understated, almost derisively literal description of their main product line, hiding within a powerful rock hard centre that evokes the Australian heavy riff merchants and their massive hairy man balls.  A power chord of a Bon Scott bon mot.

And in first place:

Locksmith - Sure Lock Homes

For pun connoisseurs it’s a clean, complex and full bodied treble pun with a dry finish. Stylish, well read, conceptually flawless and structurally sound.  There is no flab to be cut with every individual word playing a metaphorical blinder in an unsurpassable team effort.  Perhaps my favourite thing about this pun is that it makes so much sense as an unembellished company name for a locksmith.  I would wager that a great many people pass their premises and use their services, even over a period of years, blithely believing the name to be a bog standard effort designed only to suggest certainty and safety.  They wake suddenly one night and sit bolt upright in bed, leaving a pool of dribble on the pillow, a grin already playing across their dry lips.  The epiphany is sublime as they joyously and unselfconsciously bellow “Sherlock Holmes!” into the enveloping darkness.  Their laughter is instantly uncontrollable, goes through the silent, shaking stage and the gasping, eye wiping wind down.  Only to start afresh with new peeling howls of hilarity.  Their eyes stream. Their stomach convulses agonisingly.  They void their bowels.  And yet they cannot stop.  They die crippled in the divine ecstasy of the wordplay.  It’s the way I’d like to go.

Honourable Mentions

Ghost Bus Tours - Ghost Bus-Tours

If I am ever in need of guidance around spectre related sites via municipal transport I know whom I plan to telephone.

Electrical appliances testing - Ideal Ohms

Brave use of a technical term (the unit of measurement for electrical resistance, as you know) contributes to a boastful yet homely and comforting pun.

Meals on Wheels - On Trays

This came very close to breaking into the top three.  A gastronomic reference and the method of service happily encompassed in a conceptually and thematically stunning pun.

Window Cleaners - Mr. Bit

The very best of the name based business on Pun Street.  They are presumably invented characters but a part of me dearly hopes this is the proprietor’s actual name.  Courageously risks suggesting he is not very good at his chosen profession, showing a strong commitment to punning at all costs.

Pulling a McCartney

The traditional award for overreaching wordplay showboating goes to:

Frozen Haulage Specialist - Super Calibre Frigo Logistic Import Export Davis

In mitigation it is run by a Mr John Davis.

Pun Dictated Life Changing Decision

It has become clear to me that I must start a cafe in order to appropriate (i.e. nick) the name “Breakfast at Timothy’s.”  I will be sending a link to this post to my current employers.  Please consider this my letter of resignation.

All the glory of Pun Street is here http://www.absoluteradio.co.uk/onair/dave-gorman/features/pun-street/index.html in the Pun Street Yellow Pages.  Maximum respect to listener Andrew Simpson for compiling the list.  Exemplary punmanship.  Have a virtual stroll around.