Results - 26.04.2012

Categories

Global landmarks & Food

Seeing as I’d be hurtling towards The West County this evening at a rate of “quite fast” I thought I’d take the opportunity to write the results up. I decided upon this initially to help pass the time and secondly as a courtesy to all you loyal Punners who wait so patiently for the results every week as I procrastinate and make wild assumptions about how quickly days actually elapse. What I didn’t account for was the fact that my laptop is older than Cilla Black and as riddled with malicious infections as it’s possible to be without actually being Cilla Black. I left Paddington full of hope, smugly aware of my logistical foresight but the rickety Packard Bell-end of a fu*ker didn’t properly boot-up until Didcot Parkway. It then took until Swindon for the “eeing” to appear on the screen after the initial ‘S’ of this paragraph did. Never before has any man unleashed a subtle thumbs-up and a whispered “Yessss!” at the appearance of ‘eeing’. 

"Hands up if you're
Cilla Black" 

The marvelousness of this Punning day is certainly helping me overcome my techno-troubles. The last time I had Techno-troubles I was aged 15. I went to an illegal rave on an Anglesey Farm with a 40 year old man known locally as “Stuart the Hat”. I promptly drank 3 cans of Carling and was sick in his girlfriend’s Volkswagon. This all unfolded to the backing track of a pair of Technics 1210’s apparently being sodomised by an inept DJ named Vinny. I then spent some time contemplating whether to take some drugs but evidence clearly indicated I didn’t have the constitution for it. So, ate my pre-packed emergency Twix to restore moral and sat in the car all night listening to Radio 2 until Stuart’s bleary but bouncing return. I had a nice time in the end.

Right – the Puns! A day of great punning that was seemingly enjoyed by one and all. The short list was a colossal 18 Puns long and it was a hell of a task to whittle it down to three winners. I’ve done my best though:

In 3^rd Place...it made me chortle immediately and that’s often enough to get a place here:

Machu Fishstew - Sam Palmer

The categories are bang-on and the imagery is quite evocative. Palmer is a great Punner and very much a journey-man – never without a good concept and always competing in the intended spirit.

In 2^nd Place...he’s a relative newcomer to competitive Punning but he’s already making a name for himself; which is fitting because I think he’s got quite a cool name:

The Amalfi Toast - Benedict Sommer

Benedict appears to be very capable Punner and he demonstrates his sharp category mining well here. As I’ve mentioned in the past any Pun that has impact with the minimum of change is admirable and worthy of note. This is only Sommer’s second Pun-off so I’m hoping that he’ll continue to develop his skill-set. Well done Benedict; glory in the Pun-Off is getting harder to achieve so you should be very proud.

And in 1^st Place...his Puns are often sharp, efficient and imaginative and his winning entry this week is a thing of simple beauty. 

Chompeii - Richard Reason

I liked this one immediately and although it didn’t attract a huge number of “Likes” I think it has a subtlety and understatement deserving of recognition. Reason is always a competitor and is evidently very committed to wordplay. Congratulations!

People's Champion

It was a classic 16 “Likes” scenario for this week’s champion of the People.

Scone Henge - Aaron Pitman

I’d say there’s been about 6-7 People’s Champion winning Puns that have attracted 16 “Likes”. It appears to have become an unconscious threshold. Anyway, Pitman continues to dominate the field with solid performances week after week. He cares about Puns, you can just tell. It’s heart warming. Well done Aaron, you did a win!

Honourable Mentions

As I’ve said, there was a heap of great Puns today...here are just a few that made the shortlist:

The Suet Canal - Russell Parker

Parker had Bissed before I’d even finished my Shreddies – strong work from the renowned swordsman.

Rhyl Sky Flour - Paul Parry

Mentioning my home town in a Pun immediately earns a mention. Just so you know. Rhyl Sky Tower is a 50 foot viewing platform on the beach that appears to have been broken since 1992.

Rhyl Bun Centre - Rory Fletcher

The Sun Centre is an institution and I’m surprised at how much we took it for granted as kids. Anyone who grew up in the North West that wasn’t taken there by their parents or by school must have been in the midst of cruel and prolonged neglect. It’s a wonderful place and I WILL return and conquer my fear of the Octopus Slide.

The hanging gardens of Kebabylon - Laura Roberts

This was a very popular Pun from the Powerhouse Roberts – almost snuck People’s Champion.

The grand Canned Yam - Tim Evans

He’s had a quiet few weeks but returns strongly with this rich, complex effort.

Falafalcatraz – Graeme Smith

A very late but lovely entry from the ever capable Smith.

Congratulations

Punning House would like to congratulate one of The Pun-Off’s finest ambassadors Rich Dinham on his marriage yesterday. It was a lovely day, we went on a boat and everything. I drank an awful lot of Newcastle Brown ale though. Apparently Rich’s new wife Inga isn’t a huge fan of Puns but it seems that she’s a patient woman and is very supportive of Rich's extra marital commitment to wordplay. Punning House would like to wish you both a very happy marriage.

Debuts

A very warm welcome to four new members of our community:

Naomi Thomas – showed enthusiasm and a keen eye.

Jim Cattell – Jim’s debut Pun was a repeat but he regrouped and put in a good performance thereafter.

Charlie Branch – Efficient, stable work from Branch. 

Quincy Tones – some beguiling efforts from Tones. He is likely to be a competitor.

A super day of Punning yet again! The competition is growing and the standard continues to improve. Thank you all for your continued commitment to Puns, wordplay, language and the community as a whole – you are good eggs.

Results - 20.04.2012

Categories: Books & Things you'd find in a pharmacy

I am writing this soggy of sock and damp of trouser. It sure is a moist one out there and being quite accustomed to hand-flailing complaint I'm keen to pore scorn on Mother Nature's new and clearly over-zealous precipitation Tsar. One presumes she's recently employed a new "Rain Delivery Coordinator" to oversee all things 'falling from a cloud' and he's trying to impress his new boss by making everyone lamentably wet. I'm hoping, like the rest of us, that the novelty of his new job will wear off and he'll gradually drift into an elaborate charade of skillfully imitated enthusiasm. The next time we see rain you'll know it's only because Mother Nature walked into his office and in the time it takes me to click away from rugbydump.com he'll have hurriedly unleashed a bitter flurry of stinging hail onto the saddle of my lonesome bicycle. 

Enough of this weather talk - there are Puns afoot! It was a great week - I bounced and bobbled around my place of work (feigning the giving of a shit of course) admiring the quality on display and absorbing the kind words of praise regarding my choice of categories. So, thank you for that.

There were many excellent entries but these are the three that did it for me this week:

In 3rd Place is a Pun that exudes technical merit...

The bridges of Medicine County - Martin Hall

If spoken swiftly enough one can barely hear the difference between this and the original Bridges of Maddison County. This makes the entry more an example of subtle wordplay and less of a silly, infantile Pun. That's not a bad thing. The category usage is bang-on compliance, albeit quite broadly, and the depth of category mining is admirable - many will be familiar with the movie starring Brad Pitt but not the Robert James Waller novel of 1992 (me included, I had to look that up). The composer, the inimitable Martin Hall, is one of the Pun-Off's most highly regarded members - skillful without being flash and consistent without being unoriginal; he's very much the Peter Beardsley of Word play.



Beardsley:
 Distinct lack of beard.
Shame.



In 2nd Place...I can count his Pun-off appearances on one hand but his mature performance this week defied his apparent inexperience...

Dioralyte of a wimpy kid - Edward Davis

Davis has produced a solid Pun that I enjoyed a great deal. What it lacks in syllabic flow it exudes in creativity. One wonders which category factor came to him first, Dioralyte or the book, but either way when married together it produces a wonderful effect. It's looking very likely that Davis will continue to improve - he seems very eager for Punning glory which is probably going to assist and hinder him in equal measure. Sometimes a competitor's desire to win can cause impulsive, poor quality Punning - we've seen many Punners fall into this trap. However, credit to Edward for this week's excellent performance.

As an aside; I discovered the powers of Dioralyte quite recently - not in it's intended usage as a diarrhoea recovery beverage - but as a hangover retardation formula. It's a rehydration mixture and apparently drinking one small glass is equivalent to drinking 6 pints of water or something like that. Thank you to Pun-Off regular Sarah Keighley for this valuable information and for administering to me my first dosage a month or so ago.

And in 1st place...he's a solid unit capable of hilarity and creativity. It's a rare mix and I urge you to join me in celebration of:

The Scarlet Pimple Gel - Andy Watts

This entry looked destined for People's Champion but the quality of the field dictated otherwise. I like the well rounded flow of this one, the broad but endearing use of the categories and the good natured, sportsman-like delivery which Watts has made his trademark. He's a voice of reason and clarity on competition day, often rebuking the occasional tosser that drifts into and pleasingly out of the Pun-Off community. His Punning ability is without doubt - consistently strong, thoughtfully conceived and often very funny. Watts might not thank me for this comparison but his sense of fair play, coupled with his remarkable ability to hit the target brings to mind a young Gary Lineker. Well done Andy, you're a credit to Punners everywhere.

People's Champion

We have a draw!!!

This is the third draw in Pun-Off history; the first of which ended in massive controversy (it can be viewed here). Both People's Champion's deserve their title this week for these excellent entries:

Schindler's Listerine - Jonn Dean (15 Likes)

Gaviscon with the Wind - Zoe Wood (15 Likes)

A highly pleasing pair of Puns from a pair of Punners gifted with originality and skill. Wood's Punning flame burns slightly less brightly than the ever-luminescent Jonn Dean but they are both huge presences in the Punning realm. It's of no surprise to me that these entries were so popular with the public - they really are wonderful efforts and if the People's will didn't see fit to award them a prize then I certainly would have. Well done to you both; you share the title until Friday.

Honourable Mentions

Vlad the Inhaler - Rich Dinham
Dinham's declining confidence is at odds with his growing skill-set. Needs to back himself more.

Novacaine and Abel - Justine Grimley

Excellent knowledge of dental painkillers and biblical tales from Grimley

Mycil Kampf - Jovan Pavlicevic

Foot powder and fascist diatribes...the perfect combo for Pavlicevic 

Gaviscon Baby gone - Edward Davis

Testament to Davis' current form

GoodNytol Mr. Tom - Melissa Wharton

You won't be surprised to know that Wharton is a primary school teacher. She was probably holding a copy of the book when she thought of this.

Windeze in the Willows - Marilyn "Mazza" Stephens
My Mum knows how to Pun. She has an solid work ethic, admirable knowledge base and the confidence to unleash it to full effect. Good work Mazza.

Debuts

Faye Andrewartha - Great start from Faye; leisurely but assured.

Suzanne Blackledge - The definitive Power Pun - all 5 entries in one comment. Punning House advises a different approach but a promising started from Suzanne.

Jacob Robert Harris - looks to have a well rounded skill-set and a desire to compete; I expect to see good things from Harris

There we have it - another wonderful week of wordplay! You'll have noticed that the results are now coming out a lot later than you've all become accustomed to. The reason for this is that my weekends have been very busy of late and it makes more sense for me to take my time and get it done well. However, this Friday evening I am travelling to The Cotwolds so will probably write up the results on the train.

Until next time....

Results - 13.04.12

Categories: Movies and clothing

I'll be keeping this edition of the Pun-Off results a little briefer than usual. I'm not renowned for my brevity so this is quite a feat! My swiftness of delivery is absolutely no reflection on the quality (and quantity - gee whizz!) of this week's competition - it is merely a illustration of my desire to get home to see my lady. Why compromise.

Short list

This week's 3rd Place goes to an up-and-coming Punner who is beginning to assert her authority on the competition:

Cagoule Runnings - Sarah Keightley

The general good feeling and good will that surrounds the film "Cool Runnings" certainly helped the popularity of this Pun but that is quite a well known trick of the Punning trade. Pun on things that people already love (or love in an ironic way) and you're already Punning at people's heartstrings <blank expression of self loathing>.

In 2nd place....he's not quite a regular on the winners board but it's certainly no surprise to see him here:

There Trilby Blood - Graeme Smith

I'm liking this purely on technical merit - the flow, the syllabic integrity, the subtlety. It's got all the qualities a technically perfect puns needs. Smith's form is inconsistent; a solid performance one week followed by either total absence or a disappointing performance the next. He's quite the mystery. We've caught him on form here and I'm thankful.

Day-Lewis:
A poor man's Selleck

 

In 1st Place...she was very much the form player this week and although she's been involved a little in the past she hasn't really thrown her hat completely in the ring. This however is complete punning:

Bra Trek: The V-Necks Generation - Siany Jones

We don't see many double-puns of this quality - we see lots of half-baked attempts but nothing this well developed. I know that Siany had the day-off last Friday and I'd say this had a great deal to do with the all-round quality of her performance. Just take a look at her 2nd and 3rd best entries:

Tie-Tanic - Topical and frequently repeated over the course of the day.

Planet of the Capes - A popular Pun; solid and reliable.

Siany is a deserved winner and I hope that she's able to comprehend the nature of this victory. She's obviously got the talent, she's obviously got the technical skill...but does she have the confidence and more crucially - the time - to reach her Punning potential. We will see.

And so....to this week's People's Champion!

Anyone who's keeping their eye on the key players will be familiar with her...congratulations to:

Men who stare at Coats - Natasha Jones 

This was a very popular entry with 19 "Likes" and it certainly raises the profile of the pragmatic and consistent Natasha Jones. She keeps good punning company and is often seen celebrating her entries with notables in her area. Very well done Natasha; I know this won't be the last time we see you here.

Honourable mentions

Mortal Combats - Steven Bentham 

Brilliant stuff from The Benth; almost snuck in a 3rd place this week.

Plaid Runner - Ben Sutherland

Sutherland has a confidence problem; he believes himself to be average at Punning and despite my assertions to the contrary there's just no telling him. This one was above average.

The Aristocravats - Chris Morris

Morris claims that his high profile banking job means he can't play often. However, we all know it's because he refuses to buy a smart phone as he believes his 1998 Nokia is the key to the heart of Clapham's women. This is a sampler of his quality.

Crouching visor hidden Bag-on - Arron Pitman

Pitman; we all know what's he's capable of. A constant deliverist of quality.

Debuts

A trio of debuts this week:

Peter Walker - Started strongly but lost momentum during his mid-game. He'll bounce back.

Dave High - His "Last Kaftango in Paris" illustrates his potential.

Philip Ashman

His entries "E.T Shirt" & "Fist full of collars" were popular...and with good reason. A danger man in the making perhaps?

Johnathan Foster - Another unknown quality; but showed early promise

Benedict Sommer - Joined the Pun-off is the final hour and continued to Pun way beyond the final whistle. A rookie error but one that hints at his enthusiasm.

Bribes

This week the following people attempted to bribe me into awarding them a punning prize:

Chris Hallewell - Got in a huff when I told him it was unlikely he'd place. Threatened me with mild violence.

Sarah Ramsome - Offered to buy me a Jaeger Bomb. I accepted and drank it with no intention of keeping my side of the bargain. A lesson learnededed.

So, that's all this week folks. It appears I haven't showed the aforementioned brevity you expected. Oh well. I still did it in under 40 minutes**. Home time.

**Please forgive any grammatical mistakes - I'm not a machine goddammit!

Results - 06.04.2012

Catergories: Religion & Musical instruments/equipment

I was concerned, albeit very briefly, that this week's theme might cause any spectating Christian fundamentalists to picket Punning House with placards covered in poorly conceived slogans of disgusted disapproval. I was pertrubed at the thought of someone entering "Islamplifier" and inviting the fury and Fatwas of any onlooking Muslim Extremists. As expected these concerns subsided quickly as I sat safe in the knowledge that even the chronically religious love Puns...just look at this:

It was strong week of Punning with plenty of creative and well structured entries. It was a closely run contest but after an additional three days of decision making time I'm please to unvail the three winning puns; each with as much silliness as technical merit:

In 3rd Place...This is as structrually sound a Pun as you're likely find in this competition:

Psalm-onica - Anna Levy

Say this fast enough and you can barely notice the difference; it's a belter. I quite like the idea of vicars across the country being issued with guilded Psalm-onicas through which they can spread the word of God; bellowing out a few lines of a Psalm then following it with a couple of rasping, melodic harmonica licks. Levy is a raw talent who puns on instinct; if she can use that natural ability to fuel future efforts, but with a bit more haste, I'm certain we'll see a number of dominant performances.

In 2nd place...this Pun gathered momentum and an avid following after its placement. She's a high profile member of the group thanks to her consistent performance:

Desmond Flute-tu - Melissa Wharton

Initially you might see the merit of this Pun based on silliness (and very silly it is too!) but it's also a technical masterclass. Solid structural work from Melissa "The Chester Jester" Wharton. This was a popular entry with 12 "Likes".

And in 1st Place...yet another wonderfully composed effort. Congratulations to:

Jewkuele - Darren Palmer

Palmer Puns with an energy and tenacity not seen since a certain James "The Bulb" Watts took to the field for the first time. However, Palmer isn't simply a new Bulb, oh no, he's very much his own man. He Puns from the heart with conviction and poise. I loved this Pun as soon as I saw it. Well done Darren; robust Punning.

 

People's Champion

This week's People's Champion is the highly deserving and highly visible Jon "The Idea" Hill:

Didgerijew - Jon Hill

The now seemingly standard 16 "Likes" saw Jon cruise to victory. This week's winners have all demonstrated flawless flow and Jon's excellent entry is no exception. Jon will be thrilled to have won the praise and approval of the People; he's as committed to The Pun-Off as it's possible to be and his victory here demonstrates his ability wonderfully. Well done Jon!

Honourable mentions

He died for our synths - Alex Jones
Jones gets creative with the categories here; there was no ban on well known religious phrases. Strong category mining.

Shroud of TurinTables - Katie Everson
Typically imaginitive work from The Electric Goose.

Organesh - Jonjo Neeves
This was a popular entry, Likes-a-plenty for this one.

Bagpopes - Chris Taylor
Subtle and yet obvious. Like being flicked in the balls.

Henry VIIIolin - Chris Taylor
Meta-Punning from Taylor; he wins this week's McCartney Showboating Award


Debuts

A trio of debuts:

Dan Parsonage 
Long time spectator Parsonage obvious took advantage of his day off to get involved. His first effort: "Oboe Wan Kenobi" forced me to deliberate but I eventually conceeded that while the "powers that be" don't officially recognise this as a religion there is an entire organised movement of individuals who follow it as one. It's also quite funny and that generally sways my judgment. 

Sam Carter
I hope to see more from Sam in the future - I think he's got great potential. I sense that he is endevouring to become Rutland's only notable son; firstly through his highly acclaimed music career and now through the cut-throat world of compretitive Punning.

"The Bullet" Dave Rees -
Punning by proxy via Tim "The Stalking Horse" Evans, Dave showed great potential. I'm hoping to see more from him in the coming weeks.

A solid week of stout Punning - thank you all for taking part and for being patient with the results. Keep you eyes peeled for a number of important announcments from Punning House over the next few weeks.

Results - 30.03.12

Categories: Movies & Shops

Punners - If I could seek out each of you, kneel at your feet, clasp my hands and whisper "Thank-you" then I would. You delivered what was undoubtedly one of the best Pun-Offs of all time. The standard was so high that I was concerned the Puns might become self aware and start to make autonomous decisions of their own. I did literally no work on Friday - I didn't even open my work emails - I just sank into my chair, listened to The Shins and drank Yorkshire Tea until 3.58pm. I then left early without even bothering to make up an excuse: "I've had enough, I'm off, laters." I said. My boss didn't even bat an eye-lid - hide in plain sight, that's my philosophy. I once told a former boss that I needed to leave early because my pet raccoon had contracted hepatitis from a dirty needle. She looked up and me, sucked in a long breath through her teeth and said: "Ouch, good luck with that, see you Monday". What I'm alluding to here is that I wish I could make a full-time job out of this, or at least earn enough to rear my young without having to work as an English speaking front for a Nigerian crime gang again (that's a story for another time).

It's taken me a few days to get a short list together and seeing as how I've got the week off I thought I'd take my time and give this week the attention it deserves. It was so tough choosing a top three, especially in light of a certain Laura Roberts dominating the board with her unrivalled consistency. More of that Punning machine later.

In 3rd place...he's got a proven track record and has yet again delivered perfectly here:

H & Mpire Strikes Back - Frankie Moloney

I want to kiss Moloney's face. Nothing sinister, just as an expression of thanks for delivering such a well composed Star Wars Pun. This was a very popular entry and it's easy to see why - it's quite cunning really, like Lando, the sneaky little intergalactic sausage. Moloney is up there with the best competitors now and he doesn't compromise at any point - it's quality or nothing. Good attitude.

Lando Calrissian...
is cooler than you

 

We've another powerful unit occupying 2nd place...

Spar Face - Kyle Avery

This is a great example of the old one-letter change device that's propelled many a pun to the leader board. Punning House doesn't now a great deal about Avery, perhaps this is the way he likes it, but I did hear a rumour that his Dad invented the spade. I'm checking my sources. This Pun is here because it's so effective and simply composed - it showcases the very foundations that this institution is built upon - quality, integrity, humility.

When I read this week's 1st Place Pun I actually shouted "F*cking Yes!" in the office. Fortunately my colleague was listing to Christian Rock at the time and didn't hear:

I know what you did Ann Summers - Chrimpo Mcr

The mysteriously named Chrimpo Mcr, or "The Chrimp" to his pals, has imaginatively mined the categories to compose a Pun of pure beauty. I'm so grateful to him. The flow of the original title isn't compromised, and the pay off at the end is worth the wait. Chrimpo has been a high profile Punner in recent months and has finally pushed on to get the recognition he deserves - I wander how he'll respond to this week's victory? I hope he continues to deliver the goods.

The week's People's Champion is a Champion is every sense. The form she exhibited this week hasn't been seen on this scale before. Every Pun was a potential winner but the one that claimed the top prize was:

Stuart Lidl - Laura Roberts

A massive 19 "Likes" sneaked this above the rest of the field. There were several entries with more than the usual 16 "Likes". Amazingly, this was the very first Pun of the day - we haven't seen that before. Normally, the quality really comes alive during lunch and the majority of People's Champions compose winning Puns with sandwiches in hand. Laura's form was magnificent, just look at her other entries:

The Bon Marche of The Penguins - Laura Roberts

The Londis goodnight - Laura Roberts

The Hitch-ikeas guide to the galaxy - Laura Roberts

I sincerely hope that this week's form isn't a flash in the pan. We know that Roberts has talent, we know she has desire, we know she's got what it takes to be the best. But, has she got the mental strength to take on the plaudits without going mad with power. We'll see. Brilliant performance Laura - spread word of your excellence, show little or now mercy during your boastful, air punching celebrations. You deserve it.

Debuts

Just a couple of debuts this week...

Seth McCullen - Just one entry from our American friend. I hope to see more of him soon.

NiXy NiXipedia - Unfathomable name but quite fathomable Puns - could be a contender.

There were so many amazing Puns this week that I'll need to do a separate honourable mentions blog later in the week. Watch this space.

Thanks again to everyone that contributed to one of the greatest Pun-Offs in history. It would be unreasonable to expect such quality every week but when it happens it reminds why I embarked on this journey....I am in your debt.