The Pun-Off Results - 23.12.11...plus Punning Controversy!!!

Category: British Towns and Cities & Christmas

This week the Christmas Spirit entered the Pun-Off and the community responded with some of the most ambitious entries we've seen so far. There were some technical highs and several composition lows, and  a fair few brutal, disturbing assaults on The Santa Biss Claus. Many thanks to Chris Hallewell for this enriching, seasonal renaming of our heralded enforcer Samuel Biss.  

There were plenty of strong entries this week, some of which came from debutant Punners joining us from London and Gloucester - more of these later. It was a tough one to judge this week but I think I've nailed it.

And so...to the results!

In 3rd place - he's a big hitter and he's placed highly yet again:

Mold Wine - Alan Mitchell

This is a great Pun because of it's simplicity; it's straight to the point but it's not aggressive in any way - it sort of says: "Hey, I'm a great Pun....enjoy me, relish me, tell your friends!". Alan's proven himself as a big-hitter in the Pun-Off; I do wander if he can maintain this though? I'd like to see him and Tim Evans go head-to-head in a 10 minute Power-Pun; naked as the day they were born, buttered from head to toe with salted Lurpak and thrown into an oil stained concrete pit; all the while jeered on by a feral and throbbing mob of young professionals. Beautiful thoughts.

In 2nd place - he is another regular winner and he's delivered a popular Pun that I thought was highly skillful considering the subject matter:

Turquay - Jon Fawbert

This Pun was well liked (10) and I admire the brevity and subtle complexity. Turquay sounds so similar to Turkey that you'd have to be very careful throwing this Pun around, say, a North London dinner party. A misheard pun is a tragedy like no other.

And in 1st Place....I am very proud to finally announce  and celebrate the rise to prominence of one of the Pun-Off's most loyal contributors. In order to appreciate this Pun completely you MUST sing it. Sing it NOW:

"Ipswich you a merry Christmas,

 Nantwich you a merry Christmas,

 Northwich you a merry Christmas,

 and a happy Newquay"

- Simon Peter Bartley

I read this as I was walking to the toilet. When I got there and started having a wee I decided to sing it - I did so and subsequently wee'd on the floor a bit as I chuckled and shuddered with glee. I then sang it to my housemate about 8 times. Then we sang it together. Festive feelings filled the air.

A fair few of you Punned on a Christmas song but this was the best effort - the cadence and syllables just work perfectly. Mr. Bartley will no doubt be delighted to claim first prize - a robust effort deserving of the award. Simon's effort also claimed joint PEOPLE'S CHAMPION with...

Walking in a Winter Sunderland - James Watts 

This is a brilliant pun by one of the Pun-Off's unorthodox greats. Watts appears to thrive in a Pun rich environment and certainly lives for Friday. I'm eager to point out the technical brilliance of this Pun's flow but I'm sorry to say that I SMELL A RAT!!  This Pun was "liked" 12 times BUT  I realised at the last minute that Mr. James Watts had in fact liked his own entry, thus taking him into the lead. Had he not liked his own Pun it would have been a draw with Simon's effort above. And so, I am forced to formerly DISQUALIFY James Watts for Unpunsmanlike conduct and award people's champion to Simon Peter Bartley - an unprecedented joint glory!

I didn't realise all this until after I'd awarded Simon 1st Prize and I felt it only right to make an example of James Watts. Is his reputation intact? I'm sure he could claim he didn't know this wasn't allowed but seriously Watts...basic Punsmanship? I'm sure a simple apology to the Punning community will reinstate him fully. Although, it's likely he'll always be viewed as an "Evil Punner"...more Sith than Jedi; equally powerful but aligned with the Dark side. The Punning Community will recover from this I'm sure; it was only a matter of time before we encountered controversy. Punning might yet become a dramatic and compelling opera of soap.

So there we have it - some outstanding festive Puns from outstanding Punners!

Honourable mentions

Please welcome this week's lovely debutants: Claire Medcalf, Edward Slimm, Frankie Maloney, Thomas Hughes, Martin Hall, Nina Ridding and Adam Hallows. It's absolutely brilliant that people I've never met are joining the Pun-off so a very warm welcome to you all. Actually, I used to play rugby with Thomas Hughes and Adam Hallows is a friend but the rest of of you are wonderful strangers who I will hopefully meet at THE PUN-OFF LIVE 2012!!

Also, I'd like to say a very heart felt thank you to everyone involved with the Pun-Off so far - it's been a highy enjoyable and uplifting 6 weeks and I'm excited about the developments in 2012. Pun-Off Live is coming together nicely and I am in initial talks with sponsors and venues for this joyous event.

Finally, I'd like to wish you all a very merry Christmas!!

Santa Claus on Boxing Day

The Pun-Off results - 16.12.11

Category: Books & Comedians/Comic actors

An explosive start to today's Pun-Off! Within the first hour we had an unprecedented 50 or so entries. I'm going to account for this by assuming that people are in Friday mode and "Shit-yeah...it's Christmas!" mode. I say "Horaah!" to that!

And so....to the results!!!

In 3rd Place...it's a debut effort and it made me howl like a fingered chimp. The imagery created by the pun would probably make a more enjoyable book than the original:

Sid James and the Giant Peach - Thomas Adams

Sid James...deep within a large flying fruit. There are children and various talking animals. With boobs.

Tits! I'm a big fan.

In 2nd Place...the WH Smith in Rhyl has 3 books on sale:

1. How to get ahead in Smack - Colin "Dirt" Schofield
2. So you're a Seagull: What next? - Bruce Pyart
3. Playing Dominoes: how to win £4 every night - Tony Ferbrache

With this in mind it is a pleasure to announce that North Wales' own...

The Jack Dee Vinci Code - Natasha Jones

I figured someone would come up with this one and it was early, strong and delivered with confidence. Jones has been "there or there abouts" for a few weeks now and I'm pleased she's persisted through to glory. 

And in 1st Place....

Any Pun that brings Ken Dodd within the realm of atheist philosophy is  a winner in my book. Also, Christopher Hitchens died today and I feel the Punning world needs to honour him. Who is he? He could have God in a fight. Look him up.


The Ken Dodd Delusion  - Tim Evans


I believe that Tim Evans is performing at the highest level and is a deserved winner again...but I wonder whether other competitors might accuse me of siding with my mates. Tim and I have met 5 times - his birthday (I bought him some Chinese 5 spice), 2 Christmas Parties, a stag do and a wedding. In fact, I hate him because I suspect he's better at Punning than I am. Fuck You Tim.

Dodd:
He only uses French Tickle Sticks

This week's PEOPLE'S CHAMPION!!!

He was drawing for 2-3 hours with Mrs. Pun-Off (Laura Dinham) before someone came through and pushed him into the lead - with 7 "Likes" I give you our People's Champion:

To Harry Hill a Mocking Bird - Alan Mitchell

A truly outstanding entry from another solid member of the Punning community. I draw your attention to the easy "flow" of this pun; the way it rolls off your tongue, straight nto the punning world. I sense if Mitchell was involved in the Pun-Off LIVE he would show an unnerving confidence and competance - watch this space.

Honourable mentions

There were many, many Honourable mentions this week and I will add them next week. But, before I go....

I presume that many people will be going to their work Christmas do tonight. Therefore, I sincerly hope that the hangover of today's outstanding Pun-Off will appease the tragic and unnecessary sorrow of speaking to people from work in a social context.

As a member of the Friday Pun-off community I suggest you think of yourself in the following terms this evening:

You are a balanced and distinctive drunk; alert, witty of banter and tall of tale. You will work the room shrouded in a heady perfume of confidence. Everyone will clamour to take a cool, refreshing swim in "Lake You". You will expertly twist and twirl your manager's wife around the dancefloor; her lingering eyes will allude to a sticky desire for prolonged, untempered sin. 

At the end of the night people will question whether you've even been drinking at all, such is your poise and posture. Eventually, you will be persuaded to sit a while at the piano; and with your bow-tie hanging loose you will play and sing gentle Christmas carols with unassuming expertise. A woman will weep gently and clutch her chest; all the while trying to catch you eye. She does, and you wink. You are the last to leave but before you go you seek out and find the young Irish waitress sweeping the floor - you kiss her on the mouth and slowly whisper her a Merry Christmas. Your lingering touch on the cheek leaves the impression that your eyes and lips will meet again. She watches as you disappear into the snowy street; it has already been tomorrow for hours....

...then you'll head home and have an uncoordinated dawn-lit wank like everyone else.

Cheers Punners....until next time!!!

The Pundamentals: How is The Pun-off judged?

Judging The Pun-off on a Friday afternoon has become quite a responsibility for me. It usually takes a savage and prolonged ordeal of some kind for me to experience conventional stress in any way but lately I've started to sense the familiar fizz of building pressure; the unhatched egg of anxiety has now begun to wobble gently in my palm. You can tell there is cause for concern here because I've started to use cloying, laboured metaphors - it's a key indicator of danger ahead.

Despite this, I feel that it's necessary to reassure you that I'm not stressed as yet; I've simply become aware of the possibility of stress. And so, I must destroy it before it gets a chance to destroy me! This has been a life long habit - when I was a child I brutally murdered the school's pet Stick Insect when I saw that it had escaped from its glass prison. I presumed the escape was part of a wider ploy to mutate some how and then consume us all. So I f*cked it up with my Gola trainers. When the Headmaster heard of this he apparently just sighed loudly and looked towards the heavens. The system works.

Running The Pun-Off is a unique pleasure but by 5pm on a Friday people's punning aspirations might either be realised or crushed according to my not entirely convincing judgement. This could get stressful as in principle I have the clearance to celebrate and embrace people's efforts like returning astronauts or dismissively wave them away like accidental, dinner table farts. 

Of course, The People's Champion Award seems to be the most sought after accolade; it is after all the will of the community and not according to the whim of a fickle wielder of judgement. By simply voting for the Puns you "Like" the most you are helping create something very special.

If a Pun makes me laugh immediately it will get added to the short-list for further consideration later on. My instinct to laugh is quite acute so you needn't worry too much; although this does cause me some issues in the office. On a Friday I'm forced to affect a highly excitable, almost demented demeanour to cover up my persistent corner chortles. In order to lay the foundations for this I impact the office early doors with a sweaty, post-cycle medley of song and follow-up with cheerful email salutations to one and all. People simply presume I'm looking really, really looking forward to the weekend. After this my poorly contained outbursts of mirth seem to be largely accepted. It's all about the ground work. 

Once I'm home later that day I'll examine the short-list in greater detail. If a Pun has stood the test of time and still makes me respond in some way then it makes the short-short list. From here it is mostly based on technical merit: the number of puns contained within a single entry and the general composition of the pun , that being: is it immediately recognisable and does it flow nicely? That's essentially it.

I do my best to be a fair and honest judge and I hope that people are satisfied with the way things have been going. I'm hoping that by judging honestly I will be raising the overall standard of Punning in the community and willing people to better themselves within the realm of wordplay. I believe in you.

As I've said before - as long as Punning is the winner I'm happy.

Alfred Hitchcock knows his puns.....

The Pun-Off.....as endorsed by Alfred Hitchcock!!!

 

You can't argue with that really can you?!

The Pun-Off results - 09.12.11

Category: Historical Figures and Occupations/Pastimes

Another solid day of Punning around what I thought to be trickier categories....not so it seems! We had 143 entries and comments which is about what we normally get...in the Post-Bissian form of the game of course.

NB. My completely unilateral judging might seem a little unfair but I'm not going to dissolve my power in this regard. I will however explain my method next week.

And so to the results:

In 3rd Place we have a strong entry from a new member of the Punning community:

Anne Ten-Pin Boleyn - Carly Evans

Carly has used the Pastimes theme here to delightfully meld a pastime for Henry VIII's penis and guillotine, and a "sport" for teenagers on extremely awkward dates. It's strong work from Evans.

Boleyn:
Off her tits on Ketamine

In 2nd place with a highly unorthodox but chucklesome entry:

Manager of the Local Spartacus - Tim Evans

He's been on the Winners podium before and here is an example of why Tim Evans is fast becoming one of the greats. Like I said, it's unorthodox but it made me giggle like a stupid twat. 

Andy Scott-Lee, former X-Factor Melody-droid and greased boy band sock of flesh, used to work in my local Spar. He was good at his job and should have stuck with it really; he could be manager now. Well, assistant manager maybe.

"Cash back?"

And in 1st place!!!!!

Leon Trot-sky instructor - Pete Williams

I absolutley love this one! There's a few reasons but mainly because it creeps up on you slowly like a curious tramp. The genius of it's not immediatley obvious until you say it with a certain cadence. Pete has been hitting the Pun-off hard since its inception with decent but, in my opinion, not fully developed puns. However, this lenthy, muscular entry is testiment to his growing maturity. I once went on a stag do with Pete and I swear on Blessed's beard that I've not seen a man nor beast consume so many crisps in 2 days. It was disturbing. Anyway, well done Pete!

Well....this leads me to this week's PEOPLE'S CHAMPION!! What can I say? I'm a very proud man indeed to announce that this week's Champion of the People is Mrs. Pun-off herself:

Mark Twain-Driver - Laura Dinham

A magnificient 16 "Likes" - we've not seen liking on this scale as yet. Laura's unique Punning abiliy is not only very attractive it also complements her equally unique ability to sing ANY song in the style of former M-People warbler Heather Small. You should hear it, it's quite hypnotic.

An outstanding entry that she will admit was a slight team effort with her work-mates but she also got the 2nd highest number of likes (9) for - Jack the Stripper so she'd have won anyway.

Honourable mentions:

Jovan Pavlicevic - Malcolm X-Wing Pilot

New Zealander Jovan (as the name suggests) not only entered an occupation from a galaxy far, far away he also went to the trouble of photo-shopping his pun....look:

...well done that man. Anyone else with the time, inclination and more crucially the technical skill to graphically represent their puns will be mentioned. Unless they're shit.

Ben Sutherland - Joan of Arcitect

A solid and popular early effort from Ben - 8 Likes. He's resourceful and has an eye for detail. He may be snatched up early in the West London team draft for PUN-OFF LIVE 2012.

Andy Lowe - Joseph Stalin-dependant Finacial Advisor

It's unorthodox but it's a beauty.

Victor Oppong - Guy Fawkes-lift truck driver

I'm loving Victor's work here, it's robust but to the point. Victor is another consistent contributer and his efforts are developing brilliantly.

So, another outstanding week of Punning. I'm very pleased you could all make it along. Next week I will be putting something out about my highly technical judging method AND initial details of PUN-OFF LIVE 2012!!!! I'm excited about that one!

Until next time friends. 





The Pundamentals - Public sector vs Private sector

This week's Public sector strikes have led some of you, well..one of you (thanks Edmund) to raise the crucial question: Who puns more, the public or private sector?

This is such an important issue that I'm almost fatally challenged to resolve it; I am quite overwhelmed by it all to be honest. If I don't attempt to answer this query without resorting to a pie-chart then I think I'd be doing you all a great disservice.

So, during last Friday's Pun-off I asked Punners to state whether they worked in the Public or Private Sector or were self employed or whatever other status one can have. Is Student a real status? I know that when I was a student I probably didn't scientifically qualify to be a living organism let alone a member of an occupational group. 

 

Anyway, moving on. The results are in and have been lovingly compiled by the very man who raised the issue in the first place; the recently disqualified...some might say disgraced Edmund McCartney:

 

Source: The Pun-Off Participant occupational Survey - 02.12.11

 

 

So there you have it! A thought provoking result I'd say. Now, I'm not here to raise the issue of who does the most work on a Friday or whose work is more important and so on. I'm certainly not here to debate about public sector strikes or unfair pay and pensions, or the disproportionate distribution of wealth or anything else universally important. All these issues and more than worthy of debate but this is not the forum. Oh no.

 

I think my role here is to draw attention to the fact that Punning is a great leveller - a constant right afforded to every man and woman no matter what their place in society, no matter what their role. From the highest of Kings to the lowliest of peasants; everyman enjoys a Pun.

 

I suppose, in all honesty, I was just mildly curious about which occupational sector Puns more. But, it is my opinion that what we do to earn money is probably the least important thing about us. In this context I think we should be judged on our actions within the Punning realm first and foremost. It is fair to say that while our demography (race, age, gender, sexuality and religious beliefs)might influence the style of our Punning the differences attributable directly to this would be too subtle in most cases.

 

I sense this whole issue has a potential undertone - that being; that people from one sector wish to prove that the other wastes more time on Facebook instead of doing what they're paid to do. To those people I say this - if you think that Punning is a waste of time then you have no place here. Besides, if your entire day is occupied purely by the process of conceiving Puns and typing them out it is probable that you have quite severe cognitive processing difficulties and may need to seek clinical intervention.

 

Everyone skives from work - it is a naturally occurring process; much like photosynthesis in plants. Some higher-level skiving is frankly unacceptable but if your skiving is within a Punning context then it can not be considered such.

 

So, let us Pun on together; wherever we work. Let us Pun on in spirit in which it was intended - a fair and honest sharing of Puns with a soft and comforting competitive edge.

 

As long as Punning is the winner I care not a jot. 

 

  

Pun-off results - 02.12.11

Catergories - Famous Brits & Body Parts

Oh my! It was a strong field this week. I've had plenty of time to think about the winners but I know that there will be controversy, possibly even riots and public hangings. The pressure of judging alone is starting to get to me - I sense I may have to form a judging committe of some sort - like the Turner Prize. Leave it with me.

So here we go....

In 3rd place with what I can only describe as a highly aggressive Quadro-Pun:

Toe-Knee Hand-Cock - Oliver Hire

Handcock - Professor of Fun!

Oli's done well here although there is technically no alteration to Mr. Handcock's name. I've awarded 3rd place because it is wordplay from start to finish involving both biologically accurate names and the word "Cock" which might as well be an offical term now.

In 2nd place with a beautifully observed pun that is both amusing and descriptive:

Hymen Cowell - Paul Parry

This was a well liked pun this week with 7 "likes". If we look at this pun in a descriptive way I think it's probably an insult to the Hymen which to my mind is my 3rd, possibly 2nd favourite membrane.

A "High-Man"

AND IN 1ST PLACE....with a very well constructed double pun that I have to admit has pricked my highly sensitive sense of nostalgia:

Hand-y Feet-ers - Adam Dunt

Adam submitted this pun all the way from Singapore which suggests that Puns know no boundaries. As soon as we recieve a Pun from within the People's Republic of China we will hold a party. Anyway, the quality of the pun speaks for itself and made me cough ostentatiously in the office to conceal my mirth.

As for Andy Peters....

Duck loving everyman

Protein is his
only friend now

This week's people's champion is likely to raise a few eyebrows...or mono-brows in my case!

Chin-ford Wristie - ME!!!

Thank you, thank you all so much!! I don't usually compete properly as it's not possible for me to administrate, Pun and work at the same time. However, I'm pleased that 8 people liked this one enough. I'm humbled.

Some honourable mentions which made my winners shortlist:

Pelvis Costello - James Watts

Minimum effort, maximum impact...this is my personal mantra. Simply adding a "P"...efficient punning from a man we call "The Bulb".

Verteb-Ray Mears - Rory Flecther

Mears - the UK's leading non-military tubby survivalist. Another stout performance from Fletcher

Spleen Elizabeth II - Sam Biss

Our very own Sam Biss salutes everyone's favourite red blood cell assisting organ and Our beloved Liz.

Anus Deayton - Nicola Arber

A strong early entry from Nicola which was well liked. Unlike Deayton who looks like someone has through a handfull of hair at an egg.

PUN-OFF PLEASINGS....

Plenty of females involved this week - Debuts from Nicola Arber, Amy Bird, Justine Grimley and Siany Jones. My Mum and sister each contributed robust, water-tight beginner efforts.

Plenty of room for childish banality this week - with Cocks, balls and Willy's flying all over the place....um...you can add the punchline here if you like...

Edmund McCartney - never before have I seen such show boating in the Punning Arena. Disqualified on 3 counts

Keep your eyes out for a new feature this week - "Pundamentals" - a weekly essay on key punning issues.

Jon Fawbert: From McGuigan to McGee - a short biography

Jonathan Ronathan Fawbert was born on May 25th 1982 aboard an illegal riverboat casino moored in the port of Bandar Anzali, Iran. His father, Clement Fawbert(orginally from Duntisbourne Abbots, Gloucestershire) was a well respected Blackjack croupier and took the position on the vessel at the insistance of his friend and fellow Croupier George "The Soil" Jackson. Jackson's sister Janet also worked aboard the boat as a cocktail waitress but was notoriously lazy and spent much of her time below deck recieving violin lessons from a kitchen porter. Clement and Janet fell in love instantly and 9 months later Jonathan was born during a voilent thunderstorm that prevented any trained medical professionals attending. Instead, Jonathan was delivered by a guest aboard the ship; Irish featherweight boxer Barry McGuigan.



McGuigan 
Came to the family's rescue





Jonathan's birth drew unwelcome attention from the authorities and the casino was soon closed down leaving the young family desititute. Luckily, Barry McGuigan (by now Jonathan's Godfather) took pity on the family and offered them a place to stay at his family home in Lurganboy, Ireland.

After several years in Ireland working as McGuigan's cut-man Clement returned to  Gloucestershire with his family and set about establishing an illegal, waterbased gambling enterprise of his own. Unfortunately, the only vessel the family could afford was a small green canoe with just enough room for two small people and a croupier. Clement moored the canoe in a local stream and equiped it with a card table, gas powered lantern and cool-box. It opened in December 1988 but due to the extreme cold and secluded location did not have any custom until May 1989 when 2 local school children dropped by and won £1800 and £1200 respectively. The Casino Canoe went bust and Clement took whatever work he could find - an unqualified optometrist operating in the snooker room of Cirencester's British Legion, an animal psychotherapist rehabilitating traumatised hens and finally Head Coach of the English Women's Hockey Team. It was around this time that he invented and eventially patented a sports drink called - "Bacon". It was essentially a pint of cooked, liquidised bacon but it proved popular and the Fawbert's finally had enough to live on.


Clement's Illegal "Casino Canoe" -
a gamble that didn't pay off.















However, the family were in still in quite significant debt and Jonathan's behaviour at school was seriously effected by all the disruption. In December 1992 he was expelled from school for eating 18 raw eggs and continuously screaming the name "Paul Daniels" during the school nativity play. It became apparent that Jonathan had become romantically obsessed with the TV magician's wife Debbie McGee and that it was consuming his life. In order to deal with this issue Jonathan's father contacted his old friend Barry McGuigan who had recently appeared along side Paul Daniels as a guest backing vocalist on Dr. Dre's seminal work The Chronic.

McGuigan arranged for Jonathan to meet Debbie McGee with a view to helping him come to terms with his obsession. It worked brilliantly and the two formed a healthy, platonic relationship. McGee acted as a mentor to Jonathan and he started progressing well at his new school. McGee was a keen word-smith and schooled Jonathan in the art of Punning; the two would pun for hours on end while strolling in the Forest of Dean.




McGee - happier times?













Tragically, McGee was involved in a Beef related accident in early November 2011 and was paralysed from the bottom-lip up. Truamatised and grieving for the loss of his mentor and punning partner he vowed to win the Friday Pun-off in her memory. He did this empathically on 25th November 2011.

Fawbert vists Debbie McGee everyday to bring her Vimto and pornography; he is unemployed.

Super Pun-related clip - Big Train.

I love this pun related clip from the highly under rated Big Train series with Simon Pegg and some other notables. Enjoy!

"Where are Batman Puns!?"

Pun-Off Results - 25th November 2011

Catergories - Sports people & Confectionary

The results are in folks. It was a trickier one this week but we prevailed and I'm pleased to announce the winners.


In 3rd place -  recalling a long-forgotten defensive-midfielder from France and an affordable caramel and chocolate combo that was very much the "go-to" bar for those in the lower pocket money bracket:


Didier DeChomp - TIM EVANS


In 2nd place - combining a shockinging underated choco-style snack bar that was a disconserting colour and a moody tennis man who seems unaware of his hair's intrinsic hilarity

John Caramacenroe - CHARLIE OLIVER

AND IN 1ST PLACE!!!!!
He was athlete but he mostly just went "Awoooga!" and portrayed the kind of chronic cheerfulness only seen in those suffering from acute mental distress. He a life coach now apparently; what could he teach me?

Kriss AkaBoosti - JON FAWBERT

"Please help me....please!!"

A strong week indeed; made even stronger by this week's excellent PEOPLE'S CHAMPION - with a very robust 7 "Likes" I'd proud to bring you :

Van Persie Pigs - BEN CHESTON

Marks and Spencer's own brand porcine-themed sugar spheres finally get the recognition they deserve.

Well done punners, see you next week. Please share the links and involve you're friends.

Origins of the Biss Clause - Samuel Biss: A biography

Samuel Norman Biss was born in Ibadan, Nigeria on Christmas Day 1985 to Clayton Israel Biss, a progressive Jazz Saxophonist from Egham, Surrey and Moldovan professional mime Josephine Ian Biss (née Stalin).

Clayton Biss - circa. 1987

   

Samuel’s parents arrived in Nigeria in the April of that year to fulfil a contractual obligation to the then Nigerian minister for the Arts; Dr. Lawrence B. Assan-Edonye, who had seen the couple perform at a top London Jazz venue three years previously.

Samuel’s birth was a difficult one owing to his disproportionally large trapezius muscles; his mother Josephine was forced to stay in hospital for an additional ten weeks of convalescence. Unfortunately for the family this enforced stay in hospital meant that their temporary Visas expired before they were able to leave the country legally. Afraid to face the brutality of the Nigerian leader Ibrahim Bagda-masi and with no one to assist them the family went to ground and made a modest living performing their unique blend of Jazz-Mime in rural townships. After five long years they were eventually able to save enough money to pay for rudimentary transport to the coast where they would stow away to England on the British Naval Destroyer, the HMS David Bowie.

The family settled in South West London and Samuel was finally able to attend school. It soon became apparent that Samuel had a gift for words. His prep-school English Master Reverand Leroy Del-Mar described him thus:

“Samuel’s ubiquitous verbosity matched and even surpassed his monolithic social presence around the courtyards and corners of our school. At the age of 9 he submitted a 5000 word treatise on the cultural significance of early urban music pioneers East 17. He was head of the school’s debating society and once made legendary American linguist Noam Chomsky weep with frustration as they jostled for dominance in a specially televised debate on the socio-economic impact of imported limes. He was a marvellous little boy and if it wasn’t for his fondness for that barbaric sport of Rugby Football I strongly suspect he could have been one of the great British thinkers. I have not seen nor heard anything of him since except that he had turned his back on words and was working with numbers – banking or something ghastly like that. Such a shame.”



Chomsky on the brink of tears during

the infamous televised debate with Biss - June 1996



By now Samuel had indeed began working in banking but unbeknownst to many he maintained a keen interest in words. One evening, at his local Rugby Football club, he happened upon a conversation about a game that had evolved on a social networking site whereby participants composed short puns around pre-determined parameters. He joined in but soon found that the abundance of poorly thought-through and crude puns diluted his enjoyment and the participation of others – the sheer volume of entries was inhibitive to inclusion and quality. And so he proposed a clause to the founder of the competition: that each participant is allowed to enter a maximum of five puns per competition. “The Biss Clause”, as it became known, was popular and increased participation considerably in the first few weeks of its use.

Samuel N. Biss lives and loves on – he is engaged to television personality Aneka Rice. They live in a converted mosque in Wandsworth with their twin sons Arcadius and Hercules and their adopted daughter Irene (aged 51).

Origins of the Pun-Off

[A couple lay next to each other in bed, its Friday, 1am and they've been awake for hours chatting]

Girlfriend: Steve, I'm worried.

Steve: Right....?

Girlfriend: I'm worried because I don't think there are enough Puns in our relationship anymore.

[Steve sighs deeply, turns to face her]

Steve:  I know...I know; I agree. I knew this was coming. We used to Pun all the time, do you rememeber? When we first met we would pun for hours.

Girlfriend: I remember. Good times.

Steve: Do you remember when we punned in Ravenscourt park with Tom and Scamp? Near those trees that smell like cum...

Girlfriend: Oh yeah, the cum-trees. I remember them. That was a great summer.

Steve: Those trees are called Linden Trees you know. I once met a friend of a friend called Linden in The Raven, Adrian's friend. Do you know Adrian?

Girlfriend: Who? No?

Steve: Australian guy? Tall. No? Anyway, I once met this girl called Linden and after about five minutes of meeting her I said:

"You know, there's variety of tree that smells like cum called the Linden Tree"

Girlfriend: Oh my God! What did she say?

Steve: Nothing, she just sort of frowned and turned to talk to Adrian. I think I upset her.

Girlfriend: You're a idiot [laughing]

Steve: I know, but I felt like I had to tell her. I thought she might like to know! I'd want to know if there was a type of Tree called "a Steve" that smelt like shit, or piss or I don't know....olives.

Girlfriend: What?! Why olives?

Steve: I fucking hate olives. You know that.

[Long silence]

Steve: If Olives were an Olympic field event they'd be "Discuss-ting".

[Long silence]

Girlfriend: If Olives were Spanish exhibition of Animal torture and cruelty they'd be "Horri-bull fighting".

[Even Longer silence]

Steve: I've missed this.

Girlfriend: What?

Steve: You know....the "Pun silence".

Girlfriend: Me too.

[Long silence]

Steve: Fuck this, its half one in the morning! I'm going to sleep.

Girlfriend: You're right. Good night.

Steve: Goodnight.

[The couple roll over, back to back]

[Fifteen minutes pass]

Steve: If Olives were a........

Girlfriend: NO! Fuckin' hell! [Laughing] Go to sleep!

Steve: Sorry....but you said....I know, sorry. Goodnight.