Origins of the Pun-Off

[A couple lay next to each other in bed, its Friday, 1am and they've been awake for hours chatting]

Girlfriend: Steve, I'm worried.

Steve: Right....?

Girlfriend: I'm worried because I don't think there are enough Puns in our relationship anymore.

[Steve sighs deeply, turns to face her]

Steve:  I know...I know; I agree. I knew this was coming. We used to Pun all the time, do you rememeber? When we first met we would pun for hours.

Girlfriend: I remember. Good times.

Steve: Do you remember when we punned in Ravenscourt park with Tom and Scamp? Near those trees that smell like cum...

Girlfriend: Oh yeah, the cum-trees. I remember them. That was a great summer.

Steve: Those trees are called Linden Trees you know. I once met a friend of a friend called Linden in The Raven, Adrian's friend. Do you know Adrian?

Girlfriend: Who? No?

Steve: Australian guy? Tall. No? Anyway, I once met this girl called Linden and after about five minutes of meeting her I said:

"You know, there's variety of tree that smells like cum called the Linden Tree"

Girlfriend: Oh my God! What did she say?

Steve: Nothing, she just sort of frowned and turned to talk to Adrian. I think I upset her.

Girlfriend: You're a idiot [laughing]

Steve: I know, but I felt like I had to tell her. I thought she might like to know! I'd want to know if there was a type of Tree called "a Steve" that smelt like shit, or piss or I don't know....olives.

Girlfriend: What?! Why olives?

Steve: I fucking hate olives. You know that.

[Long silence]

Steve: If Olives were an Olympic field event they'd be "Discuss-ting".

[Long silence]

Girlfriend: If Olives were Spanish exhibition of Animal torture and cruelty they'd be "Horri-bull fighting".

[Even Longer silence]

Steve: I've missed this.

Girlfriend: What?

Steve: You know....the "Pun silence".

Girlfriend: Me too.

[Long silence]

Steve: Fuck this, its half one in the morning! I'm going to sleep.

Girlfriend: You're right. Good night.

Steve: Goodnight.

[The couple roll over, back to back]

[Fifteen minutes pass]

Steve: If Olives were a........

Girlfriend: NO! Fuckin' hell! [Laughing] Go to sleep!

Steve: Sorry....but you said....I know, sorry. Goodnight.