The Pun-off returns! Hazah!!

A lot have changed since the Pun-off began back in...when was it?September 2011? I can't remember without looking it up and that would involve me becoming frantically entangled in  a Multiple Internet Browser Scenario (MIBS). I find that a MIBS can only usually be tolerated in the hasty pursuit of pornography or, to take a more current example, the best value electric breast pump. Life moves on.

So, with all the changes I needed The Pun-off to stop for a while and let all the things settle. My witterings might appear like effortless mental spillages but they are in fact the most time consuming challenge I have undertaken since trying to iron a shirt properly for an interview in 2006. It worked, sort of. Instead of looking like a scarecrow, as is normal, I looked like a scarecrow's regional supervisor. It turned out to be enough.

 

Anecdotally speaking, there has been a pleasing demand for the Pun-Off to return. There has even been a small number of people who have struggled immensely without it and who, I believe, have cycled through the five stages of the Kubler-Ross Model of Grief:

 

Denial: Punners continued to turn up at my virtual door on a Friday with puns at the ready only to be turned away like homeless people arriving late for a night shelter.

 

Anger: Mild and probably empty threats were wafted towards me stating that lives could be lost if the Pun-Off did not return immediatly.

 

Bargaining: "Why don't you pass in on to someone" they'd say, and "Why don't you do it once a month instead...please...PLEASE...don't take this away from me"

 

Depression: A palpable malaise gripped many of you - especially those who decided to go part-time at work to accomodate your Punning needs.

 

Acceptance: Some, but not all, decided to move on. A small even group set up a weekly Punning session of their own - the success of which I am keen to hear about. But, as was established when considering Kubler-Ross' model, one cannot accept a loss, one simply adapts to it.

 

The emminent psychologist Robin Barrow developed his model of "The Cycle of Chronic Sorrow" with this pit-fall in mind. While some of you accept that the Pun-Off ended, periods of transition and change are inevitiable and they remind you that life is not as it once was - and so begins the cycle of denial, anger, etc. By the way, "The Cycle of Chronic Sorrow" is what I have christened by bike. It is the transportation equivilant of a disobeident, athsmatic horse.

"Stop! Thief!"
Robin Barrow

 

 

So yes, the Pun-off will return with a Christmas special on Friday 21st December and then, come 2013 it will return properly with a small number of small changes - nothing to worry about - just time savers for me really.

 

More information will follow about the changes, but until then I would invite you to begin thinking about what you need to do to prepare for the new season of Punning. Do you need to reevaluate your style? Is specific training required? I'll leave it up to you of course - but I hope that you are ready to challenge yourselves

Remember our mantra (to paraphrase the Rocky IV sound track):

In the Punner's Code, there's no surrender

Though your body says "Stop"

Your spirit cries - "NEVER"

Deep in your soul, a quiet ember

Knows its YOU-AGAINST-YOU...

It's the paradox that drives us all

Until then my friends...

 

 

 

Pun-off season Finale results!

Categories: UK Towns/Cities & Movies

Fatherhood is imminent. I think it is fair to say that now. We've entered the disconcertingly vague period of pregnancy known as "Full term" and I've been trying to decide how many pints of my glorious local ale (Stroud Brewery's wonderful "Budding") I can have without compromising my now heightened state of vigilance. I am officially on "High Alert/Defcon 5" and should - in theory - be  able to deliver Mrs. Pun-off to Stroud Maternity hospital in a flurry of perfectly executed logistical manoeuvres. I think three pints is probably the limit - after that I'm likely to want to finish watching The Bourne Ultimatum and make some Cheese-on-Toast before we walk the 500 yards to the hospital.

 

That's right...500 yards! I don't yet hold a full driving license and my converted 3-speed track bike won't have enough torque to pull a trailer up the hill - so, we'll be walking to the hospital.

 

This is all besides the point and merely a backdrop to the highly important business of getting the season finale results out. It's taken me three months to do it - but I haven't spent that three months twiddling my thumbs you know?! I've been a busy boy. I hadn't even looked at the entries until this afternoon so I'm looking at them with totally fresh eyes. Here are the winners and honourables mentions of THE LAST EVER PUN-OFF............of 2012. Ha! Got ya!

And so....in 3rd place....

 

He's recently become a father himself so I'm sure he'll be reading this with a heart full of love and beard full of sick.

 

Llandudno retreat - no surrender - Jim Cattell

 

This Pun is on the clunky side and it delivers late. However, sometimes a pun that doesn't reveal itself too early can be a pleasant surprise - like a person giving you the old "Do you want the good news - or bad news?" spiel. Jim could have used Llandudno twice here but resisted the urge...my inner voice likes the idea but in reality it might be a bit much. It's hard to say. Well done Jim, your punning ability is proving to be as effective as your evidently skillful sperm.

 

 

 

In 2nd place...she's been a consistent performer with flourishes of brilliance; this is a great way to finish a very strong season of punning:

 

Lytham let die - Vicki Night-Owl Powel

 

I'd describe this pun as Syllabically perfect and discrete, held together with an admirable knowledge base, finished with a garnish of flare. It's got a beautiful flow to it and is short and impactful enough to go unnoticed when delivered at speed. My previous assumption that Vicki is actually an owl have now been confirmed - owls have been acknowledged to be outstanding at Puns and are currently ranked 3rd in the Animal Species Punning World rankings behind Giraffes and Dogs respectively.

 

 

And in 1st place....I don't know much about him but rumours have been circulating that he is the man responsible for the recent price increase of the Cadbury's Fudge.

 

Truro-mance - Ray Freeplumber Neal

 

A perfect Pun to finish a perfect season of Punning. Look at it! Look at it's glorious smooth edges and delightful hyphen. Never before has a hyphen brought so much joy. Well done Ray. I'm curious....is "Free Plumber" his name? Or is it one of the following:

 

1. Ray is a plumber by trade that does pro-bono work for the needy.

2. Ray is a "Free Plumber" in the same sense that a "Free runner" is a person that travels around by jumping about and bouncing off things. Does he fix toilets in this manner?

3. His moniker is a cryptic appeal to free Christopher Plummer* from his contractual obligation to star in a sequel to Schindler's List called "Schinder's crisps".

 

*yes, I know the spelling is wrong but I'm pretending that it's Ray's mistake, not mine.

 

 

And to this week's People's Champion!!!

 

...sorry...I can't find the original game on my time-line thing so I can't calculate it. So, I declare the People's Champion to be...

 

TERRY NUTKINS!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honourable mentions

2001:a Space Oswestry - Paul Goodman

Solid knowledge from the Good Man.

Biscester Act - Rich Dinham

My Lieutenant does splendidly here.

 

Bude, where's my car? - Chris Wain

"Wain will I, will I be famous?" Sorry Chris.

 

Inderpenzance Day - Sophie Galpin

The Galp strikes again

Brent of a woman - Ben Sutherland

The London Borough of Brent doesn't quite qualify as a town but I like this one anyway. Oh Ben...you could have had "Stoke-on-Trent of a Woman".

 

 

So, here endeth the season of Punning. I don't know when the Pun-off will be back - maybe after Christmas...maybe next Spring...maybe when the baby is old enough to run it in my place! Thanks a million troops...you're all the very best of eggs.

Welcome to the Dadding Zone!

It has become an increasingly futile exercise lately; an endless temple tapping, lip nibbling harassment. To arrive at a suitable conclusion regarding the “Essence of Dad” seems like a distant dream to me now, and yet I still found myself vigilantly searching for clues from the small cohort of Dads that stood before me over the weekend. A flotilla of Dad’s joined some friends and I for a few days of father-son bounding, real ale and International Rugby Football Union. That’s the official line anyway. I’d imagine that we youngsters also relished a rare opportunity to gather together a unique super-species of man and simply drink in their effervescent, conspicuous Daddery. Uniting Dads that haven’t met before and reviewing the ensuing behavioral trends is a sociological study I’m convinced could unlock the secrets of our gender. Perhaps if I could just identify a formula or nail down some sort of Dadding doctrine I thought. With this information I could square away the final facets of my own stuttering masculinity and discover what impact, if any, being raised almost exclusively by women has had on my ability to mend broken things and casually dispose of arachnids.

The essence that I’m speaking of does not refer to my dad in particular, and I’m certainly not referring to the way that he or any other Dad smells. While I don’t doubt that Dads across the land frequently radiate undertones of leather and wood, I doubt that Calvin Klien are cornering reticent, bare-chested fathers in sterile laboratories and swabbing them for inspiration. I can picture the campaign - “CK Dad: Release your inner Pragmatist”. Nah, not likely. Actually, I’d wager that most Dads haven’t even got time for smelling; they’re too busy trying to find practical solutions to emotional problems.

The weekend was a success in most – but not all – respects; the lads provoked voracious ale consumption and the Dads obliged, growing surprising rowdy towards the end. Tales of yesteryear were exchanged, music and movie tastes were debated (and mercifully agreed upon) and goodbyes seemed heartfelt. However, answers to key questions were allusive; conclusions were not arrived at and the only trends that became apparent related to the presence of robust action-slacks and stout multi-purpose sandals. It seems that a Dad outside of his natural habitat becomes an altogether different beast. Put a Dad in his natural environment (this will vary from Dad to Dad) and perhaps then clues will begin to emerge. Take for example my girlfriend’s Dad. I’ve seen him in his natural environment many a time – his garden, attending to practical duties on a Sunday morning. At this time he’s a like a city-fox…just a second….I’m not suggesting that he’s a semi-feral, flea ridden, uber-rodent who chews on the limbs of East London children, not at all. My comparison refers to how he might briefly catch your eye before hastily disappearing to attend to affairs elsewhere, seemingly just wondering around but actually in the midst of a pre-set, almost instinctive pattern of movement. He might glide past the kitchen window holding a rake or appear in the lounge, as if from nowhere, holding something that should have batteries but doesn’t; his eyes hungry for answers. At these times he is of course in The Zone…..The Dadding Zone!

I’ve seen my own dearest Papa in The Dadding Zone many a time – cautiously winding his watch to establish fully accurate time and date information, ensuring he is on time and on-guard at all times; the concentration forcing his tongue out between his lips. When I was little he was always in The Zone; Dadding diligently across every conceivable landscape. I see it less so now; not because he cares less or resents it, but because the playing field has leveled. He’s still in The Dadding Zone most of the time though, even in the absence of his children; it seems that once you enter you cannot completely leave.

As I have declined/evolved (delete as applicable) from a young man into becoming simply a “man” my Dad has become an increasing real person. As we have grown, his once “natural Dadding environments” have changed – his house, the car, the side-line, the riverbank, my mum’s bad books, the swimming pool, the promenade. The contexts of these environments have evolved and their functions have changed; all thanks to the inevitable growing older of his son. I’ve started to see my Dad as an actual person now; a fallible, questionably principled, waveringly stable human; just like everyone else. I’m thankful for it. His status simply as “Dad” seems at odds with the overwhelming reality that he is another person, pioneering across the ups and downs of a less than thrilling ride through modern masculinity and traditional bull sh*t. I couldn’t see any of this when I was young; I was too busy being cared for, advised and entertained. I was a busy boy.

Dad Jeans: Casual, smart, practical....
something for everyone!

These days I am still a busy boy and I see my Dad a handful of times a year, it’s always a joy. He is still my Dad in every sense but we connect in different ways. His apparent transformation in my eyes has not undermined the bound between us. Despite the apparent obligation to connect with each other with noisy, obvious ceremony I have never felt as close to him as I do these days; often sitting opposite one another in silence for hours on end, heads down, hands out as I mercilessly destroy him at chess.

They’re a remarkable bunch the Dads, and that’s putting it lightly. Their “Essence” can’t be bottled and passed around for us to consume. We can’t tap into their rich vein of experience, wisdom and confidence without doing the required leg work. Sure, we can point and laugh at their pragmatic haircuts and their fondness for sensible, weather-conscious shoes, but we….hang on…actually, let’s just do that. Let’s just take the p*ss out of them while we still can. Our time will come I know; it’s only a matter of a time before all the irony disappears out of my fondness for Phil Collins. Sometime in the near future I hope to have a son of my own. One day, many years from now, I will express an opinion about rock music or wear terrible jeans to a family function. He will look up at me over the rim of his pint glass, and utter those sacred words: “Oh my God Dad, you’re such a t*at”. I will have made it, I will finally be there, I will have entered and will never fully leave – The Dadding Zone.

Results - 20.07.12 By Rich Dinham

Categories: Sportsmen/women &  Relationships/dating/romance

There I was, sat content in my easy chair, reflecting on a rare productive Sunday. Everything I had set out to do had been achieved and all I had left to do was the seemingly daily task of clearing my work emails. But no worries I thought; I’ll turn on the TV for some mild distraction. There was nothing on apart from an ‘I’m Alan Partridge’ omnibus. Fair enough, I’d not watched them for a couple of weeks, why not?

Only seconds after turning it on, Partridge uttered the excellent sentence “Now for some Bill Withers, who thank the Lord is still ‘withers’”. Suddenly my mood had changed – damn, the pun-off results. Nothing like Partridge to focus the mind. I’d already sat down on Friday evening to write them up but drew a complete blank. I think my lack of inspiration then and my absent-mindedness tonight stemmed from a general moribund feel to proceedings throughout most of Friday.

The first hour had started promisingly but after that I feel that neither the quantity nor quality were there. There were the fewest amount of entries and ‘likes’for months and overall it felt a bit like a Friday in November 2011 when the pun-off was in its infancy. I can only speculate on the explanation: maybe it was because Mr Pun-Off himself was not involved, maybe it was holiday reasons or maybe it was just a coincidence that a high number of people were busy.

This is not to say that there weren’t some stupendous and delectable efforts. Don’t get me wrong, I was left feeling yet more envy on a number of occasions. Here are the results:

In 3rd Place...

Sven Goran Erection – Oliver Hire
Another of the sex puns and one wonders if Ulrikka gave Sven this nickname during their trysts. Excellent work from Oliver.


In 2nd Place...

Stiffi Graff – Gareth Ray

Unsurprisingly there were a lot of sex related puns this week. Steve’s warning for cleanliness fell on deaf ears but I didn’t mind as I sniggered like a school-child. Mr Ray’s effort was the best of the rudies – Jurassic Park, he is surely now thinking.

And in 1st Place...

Wooed Gullit – Jim Cattell

Cashback! For me, this is superb.Jonathan Ross would actually pronounce the pun and real name exactly the same. Gullit was a great footballer but I am sure he would swap his seven league titles with an ability to pun like Cattell.During his 6 year career as a pundit I’ve not even heard him make an attempt.

The moustache is a very
welcome bonus

And so....to PEOPLE'S CHAMPION!!!

Martina Love Rat Alova – Gareth Yardley

Gareth stole a yard with this early effort and got his just rewards with a respectable 11 likes. Technically it is not the greatest but what it lacks in symmetry and ease of reading it certainly makes up for in wit and humour.Well done sir.


Honourable Mentions

Bobby Moorgasm – Dave High
Dave was on top form this week and just missed out on a top three finish. He also came up with the popular ‘Lionel Messi Divorce’.

Casanovak Djokovic – Charlie Branch
Another popular entry that just missed out. Branch is hitting form now (primarily when I judge – mines a cider Charlie!)

Boris Bicker – Sophie Galpin
Another top entry from Galpin who is one of my favourite punners. Such incredible consistently is nearly unrivalled.

Pervin Hughes – Alan Mitchell
I reckon old Emlyn looks like a bit of a perv so this one had extra resonance for me. Another member of ‘The Consistents’ – back of the net!

(Ed. I suspect Rich has got Mervin Hughes and Emlyn Hughes mixed up a bit! Still...it works either way!) 

ForePele – Tim Evans
Arguably the cleverest pun this week. Another strong bunch of fives from Evans.


Thank you to those who entered. Hopefully those who were away will be back next week. One person who will not be here for a while is Mr James Mochan (I can hear the cheers as I type). James has been one of the very best over the last couple of months and he now gets his ultimate reward by getting married to his sweetheart. We will miss his hilarity for sure but at least we all have a bit more of a chance to hone our skills over the next four weeks. Wishing James and Jules all the best for the big day. Jack-anak-anory.

Results - 13.07.12

Categories: Food & drink and The office/work/employment

I was astonished at the quality of last week's Pun-Off. I can't remember a day being so fiercely contested or filled from beginning to end with such vibrant, sophisticated and pleasing Puns. Bruce Hornsby once sang: "That's just the way it is" and, like in many other life situations Bruce "The Great Sage" Hornsby's statement can be applied to The Pun-Off too. The quality of The Pun-Off is now just incredibly high...and that's just the way it is. The Punning has just gotten significantly better - the competition is now attracting a higher standard of new Punner and has thankfully shed the small number of people (literally one bloke) who just didn't get it.

However, there are Punners who have been with us from the early days that have come a long way. I can trace certain Punner's from their revision for their NVQ Punning Level 1 exams to their now leading positions as Senior Lecturers of Punsmanship at Laughborough University. I have seen confidence built and momentum gathered. I have seen evidence of trail and error, of changes in approach and style. I have seen desperation and disappointment go on to fuel attritional, seemingly unobtainable victory. I have seen falls from grace, and have watched  proverbial pegs being brought down. I have seen long, painful come backs from the depths of Punning obscurity...and I have seen the darkness behind people's eyes that drives a person to be the best Punner they can be.

Thinking about it - I appear to be describing the entire Punning career of Rich Dinham. However, he's not alone - many of us have been there...and will be there again before too long. Stay humble Punners - modesty is important and I should know that because I'm well intelligent.

Here we go....

In 3rd Place...it's very much a classic "Spelling Pun" but it's subtley is a major strength:

Pea 45 - Gareth Yardley

The seemingly important Tax document alluded to melds perfectly into an unassuming but weighty Pun. Yardley has gone Lo-Fi and has resisted the urge to extend this any more than is absolutely necessary. He could have careered down the "Pea pour-Tea Chive" route but that would have been too much. Much too much. Strong knowledge depth from Yardley, delivered well. 

Turnip off, and turnip back on again - Dave High

David High has tasted victory before but has not, until now, reached his full Punning potential. Showing an admiral knowledge of IT technician banter (and root vegetables) he has produced a Pun that has almost everything I look for in a wining Pun. The syllabic integrity is without fault, the imagery is compelling and it forces the reader to laugh, nod and acknowledge it's evident power. It doesn't have the brevity I've mentioned before but it doesn't need it. Mr. High - you should be extremely proud of your winning entry, you may even consider buying yourself a Cadbury's Wispa as a reward.

And so to this week's PEOPLE'S CHAMPION!!!

During play last week I mentioned that I intended to test him for Pun enhancing substances. His run of form is unsuppassed - Tim "The Stalking Horse" Evans, Kaite "The Electric Goose" Everson and Laura Roberts haven't enjoyed golden patches this - not even when they last wee'd themselves - fnah fnah!!!

Gherkin 9 to 5 - James Mochan

I can't remember what the record is for most likes for a single Pun but I think Mochan must be close to it - his wonderful Pun got 25 "Likes"! The brilliance of the Pun almost defies comment and Mochan's current form will surely be a talking point for years to come. Despite me often lamenting my inate cynisism I am drawn to question whether his form will last. Will we see a gradual decline in quality or a sudden and catastrophic break down? Will the accolades go to his head? It's hard to say and I certainly wouldn't wish for such misfortune upon any one. Compelling scenes.

I thought I ought to mention two more of James' Pun from last week; just as a means of illustrating his current level of performance:

Toast-it note - James Mochan

Final writen Quorning - Jameas Mochan

Honourable mentions

There were so many amazing efforts this week. I've had to narrow it down to just a few Puns that stayed with me over the week:

Curriculum Ryvitae - Charlie Branch
Brach raises his game here - this was a popular Pun.

Bream Meating - Siany Jones
We don't often see effective Double-Puns...Jones is reknowned for it.

Repetitive cress syndrome - Jonn Dean
Typical class from Dean; well researched work.


Quiche Lorraine at Reception - Thomas Adams
An inspired off-beat effort from Adams - idiosyncratic and abstract.

Debuts

Simon Bezant - A robust, enthusiastic performance from Bezant. could be a contender with the right mentoring.

Janet Newell - A promising early effort from Janet - "Headed Papaya" was excellent and well like - one to watch.

Thank you all for another wonderful week. Same time, same place tomorrow morning. Rich Dinham will be taking over judging duties again as Mrs. Pun-Off and I are finally moving into our permanent residence. Never stop Punning!

In 2nd Place...another example of understated Punnery, and return to the now apparently old-school Punning maxim of "less is more":

Beef case - Philip Ashman

The simplicity and clarity of Ashman's work is his calling card - this is a wonderful example of how not over thinking can yield favourable results. Like Gareth's example above a Punner often needs to make a series of brave calls and decide - without wavering - to leave a Pun pure and untainted by excess. I guess it's about having faith in your own ability to Pun and in the universal language of Punning. The imagery evoked by Ashman's Bovine-based luggage is also a strength - partly because it has provoked me into considering filing a patent for a brief case made entirely out of Sirlion Steak. Once it has served it's purpose at the end of the day one could remove ones paperwork and stationary and simply throw it the BBQ. As an aside, a leather brief case is essentially a case made from cows - so it may not be too long before vegan campaign groups cotton onto this and write some sarcastic placards using Ashman's excellent composition. 

It was difficult to find suitable pictures
for this week's blog - so here's Nutkins!

And in 1st Place....a Pun of this quality doesn't come along too often. It initially appears quite complex but is, in actual fact, a fine example of everything that is good about Punning:

My Beard: A short history

 

I haven't been clean shaven in a long time. Having consulted my archives I can confirm that the last time I committed cold, sharp steel to my face was in 2004 when I very reluctantly did so in preparation for an interview to be a life-guard. The fact that I am one of the UK's most mal-coordinated swimmers did not deter me and was not lost on the interviewer who looked on during the swim-test element of the process with an incredulous smirk. I imagine she'd have adopted the same expression if she was asked to assess a haddock's ability to compose and send an email.

 

Miraculously, I wasn't the least buoyant candidate that day. There were a trio of young men who literally could not propel themselves forward more than two feet without standing up, rubbing their eyes, glancing desperately towards the pool side and reluctantly continuing in a frantic, flapping display of misjudged ability. The disappointment of being immediately and ruthlessly rejected was assuaged by their even more obvious aquatic ineptitude.

The interviewer was a cold, angry woman. She had the accusing, hateful expression of a recently disenfranchised stoat. She was the kind of rat-faced, venomous crone that would look much better with a moustache. In fact, I can quite believe that she'd grow a moustache simply to spite and ridicule the sub-par beard growing efforts of her insipid, shuffling husband who no doubt was at the brink of physical and emotional collapse from having to live in her corrosive, vinegary midst. After telling me how I'd wasted everyone's time she closed with a comment that would change my face forever. She handed me back my modest C.V, scanned me from shin to chin and said: "You needn't have shaved". The razor burn and cuts on my face were a dead give away.

 

As I shuffled to Euston to meet my visiting sister I quietly vowed to never again shave my beard off again. It is now as much a part of my face as my eyebrows. In fact, so synonymous has it become with my very essence that I'd wager very highly that if Mrs. Pun-Off and I are blessed with a son come October it will emerge with the light and wispy beginnings of a what I like to call a "Rustic woodsman".

 

In some circles - usually indoctrinated, corporate-livestock - having a beard is enough to identify you as a member of any marginalised group associated with vagrancy and petty crime. What these remorseless bigots don't realise is that sometimes having a beard is a symptom of not being capable of making choices about ones appearance. Thankfully, I am gifted with choice on this crucial matter.  Initially, I decided on a beard as a means of avoiding painful and unsightly shaving rash and to hide the scars of particularly aggressive teenage acne. However, as my skin matured and became more resilient my beard became redundant to this end. But, I enjoyed it and I kept it. Then I grew immeasurable fond it. When people ask me why I have a beard (this happens with surprising frequency by the way) I usually allude to the shaving rash excuse of old - it's just easier that way. But, in my heart I follow the mantra of one of the great beardsmen of our time.

 

With beautiful clarity and with total accuracy to my feelings on the matter John Steinbeck said the following:

 

"My face has not ignored the passage of time, but recorded it with scars, lines, furrows, & erosions. I cultivate this beard not for the usual given reasons of skin trouble or pain of shaving, nor for the secret purpose of covering a weak chin, but as pure unblushing decoration, much as a peacock finds pleasure in his tail. And finally, in our time a beard is the one thing a woman cannot do better than a man, or if she can her success is assured only in a circus."



John Steinbeck



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you John. Thank you so much; for everything. I'm slightly reticent to admit that I actually know this passage off by heart and will recite it occasionally when asked about my beard by people who will a) appreciate the sentiment, and b) be accepting of my pretencions. It's not just a matter of growing, cultivating and maintaining a beard. It's a matter of purpose, a matter of pride and a matter of identity.

 

Stroke a beard near you - relish it. Share it with others. Be proud.

 

 

 

 

         

 

Results - 06.07.12

Categorories: Famous Brits & Anything holidays/tourism/travelling

Despite having spent much of the time being wetter than an Octopus' pocket our first week or so in The Cotswolds has been a delight. Those of you that read my recent thoughts on the Tennis will know that there's been plenty do to, such as: sitting around drinking tea watching the tennis, complaining about said tennis and lamenting our nations failure at said tennis. I also had time to write a short essay about my beard which I will post up at some point. Compelling stuff, if you're pro-beard.

Last week's Pun-Off was a belter; so many contenders for the few prizes on offer. Let's get right into it...

In 3rd Place...this is a powerful, mature Pun with historical flavours...

Florence Night-in-Wales - Paul Goodman

The last three weeks have been a period of reconciliation for Paul "The Good Man" Goodman. I think he's taken on some valuable Punning lessons and begun to action his now well developed skill-set. Prior to the last month or so Paul has been notable for flashes of brilliance often accompanied by over reaching, under achieving word plays. However, Paul has found his own style - he's very distinctive. I'd wager I could spot a "classic goodman" in a blind test. Just sayin' like. Well done Paul, don't lose focus now, you owe it to yourself!

And in 2nd place...like several other Punners I've been spelling her name wrong for far too long. Chrim6po Mcr will confirm this...

Calias McCoist - Sophie Galpin

The Galps delivers yet again. She's quite the talent. I very nearly met her the other week - she doesn't know this - we had tickets to watch a band that her band were supporting but at the last minute something came up and we couldn't make it. It is Puns like this that would have made that meeting a very compliment rich interaction. Yes, Calias is a town in France but so synonymous is it with holidays that I'd imagine many of us think it is simply a collection of cheap super markets and nothing else. Perhaps it is, I wouldn't know. The only time I was there was when I was on a university Rugby tour and I was too busy competing in the now famous "World's best leaner" competition - I came 2nd by leaning up against a fat french man I'd never met. Any-who - Sophie's Pun is a beaut: it's concise and it has integrity. It may not be the most accurate of Puns but sometimes accuracy needs to take a back seat and shut the fu&k up.



"I like Sports!"

 














And in 1st place...I've said it more times than I've said "I wish I was Patrick Swayze circa 1987" but this individual is a true Punning Superstar...the real deal:
Chalet Gunnell - Laura Roberts

Just fu&king look at it! Look at it. With your eyes....look!! This is pure punning; the very highest level of punning you can get. Olympic Punning. I haven't the time or the mental faculty to check how many times Laura Roberts has featured here but it's getting bloody silly now. Brilliant stuff.

And now to PEOPLE'S CHAMPION....

Now here's another success story similar to Paul Goodman. Plagued by earlier inconsistency he's now more regular than Kenny O'Regular - one of the UK's most regular people. With 18 likes this week's champion is: 

Ant and Dec Chair - James Mochan 

Congratulations James - you've done it again!

I'll Honourably mention just a few this week:

The emergency exits on this aircraft are located Shakespeare, Shakespeare and Shakespeare - Katie "The Electric Goose" Everson

Uncharacteristic showboating from The Goose. But, glorious none the less.

Forest of Dean Gaffney - Benedict Sommer
Benedict wins the highly coveted "Mentioning Dean Gaffney Award". A proud moment I'm sure. 

Prince Rhyliam - Ray Freeplumber Neal
Any reference to my home town is likely to feature here - if only as a means of promotion.

Ricky SunHatton - Sally Gooden

A fairly new addition to The Pun-Off but already throwing down a few well conceived efforts. It's more complex than it first appears; like Israeli/Palestinian relationship...or darts.

We'll be back as always with another cavalcade of spectacular Puns this Friday - there are couple of debutants lined up to get involved. What can they bring to the field I wonder. Thanks a million for another great week!

Tennis

That's enough tennis now thank you. I've seen Andy Murray's Mum more times in the last two weeks than I've seen my own mum in a year. While this saddens me deeply - for my mother is a living saint - I'm comforted and amused by the fact that Mrs. Murray is essentially Andy Murray...if Andy Murray was an ageing regional drag queen.  Also, there's only so many Super-Slow-Motion montages I can take of Murray lolloping around a patch of grass looking like a harassed, grimacing horse. If I wanted to see an equine-featured millionaire getting sweaty and fatigued I'd chase an asthmatic minor royal around Windsor with a wilting nettle and a shitty stick.

I preferred Tennis when the players looked like bassists from short-lived 1970's progressive rock bands. These days they exude total professionalism and that leaves a casual observer like me very little to hang on to. Perhaps the Lawn Tennis Association could allow a few woefully bad tennis players to compete providing they had some decent banter. If this proved impossible they could very simply enforce the following compulsory rule changes:

• Every time a player scores a point the crowd must shout "TENNIS!" in unison.
• If a player challenges a call and gets it wrong they have to take off an item of clothing. Players can combat this by wearing several hats.
• Each player is allowed to play one game with an absurdly over sized racket.
• In order to receive new balls players must retrieve them from a pouch attached to the back of a buttered piglet. The piglet is released onto the court from a special hatch adjacent to the umpire - players must work together to corner it, restrain it by it's buttery flanks and retrieve the fresh balls.

I think these suggestions are entirely fair and I trust the powers that be have the foresight to recognise that these new rules could change the face of Tennis for ever and for the better.



New Balls please!!



Results - 29.06.12 by Rich Dinham

Catergories:Famous Americans & Anything countryside/farming/rural living

When Steve asked me to step into his proverbial size 12’s (I’m guessing literal size 7’s) I was driving home from Central London after a meeting at Hamleys toy shop.  The fact that they had decided to buy no toys during the meet was not good.  Couple this with the near-death experience I had on the M4 and you can probably guess my mood.  However, the dark clouds in my mind were swept aside the second he uttered the request.  I can’t remember exactly what Mr Pun-Off said but it was something like “Rich, you are an incredible punner and a great guy to boot.  It would be stupendous if you could be the first guest judge of the Pun-Off.  I can think of nobody better”.  After those possible words, how could I decline?

By the way, a word to the wise: if you're driving along a motorway and pull level with a junction that you intend to leave by it is NOT advisable to come to a complete stand-still and turn 45 degrees off said motorway.  Especially if I am driving the car behind you and have to stop as well, with a vast number of other cars flashing past and swerving out of the way. To say I almost shat my pants would be an insult to sphincters everywhere.

Anyway, as my wife often tells me, it’s not always all about me so onto this week’s results. And what a week it was!  I would go as far as to say that this was the strongest week we've had in month or so.  Thank you for everyone’s contributions and the excellent punmanship shown throughout.  It seemed that every five minutes I was laughing out loud and/or rolling around on the floor laughing. I also found myself battling pang after pang of jealousy; jealousy caused by the apparent ease with which you all generate such brilliant Puns.

In 3rd Place...

Lady Baa Baa – Janine Ferbrache

Janine has punning blood running through her veins and is a regular on this blog.  Another great week topped by this rip-snorter of a pun.  Ironically Lady Gaga’s fans are like little sheep which, for me, added an extra twist. 

In 2nd Place...

The Notorious P.I.G – Sophie Galpin

This was a fantastic week for Ms Galpin with 3 of her puns reaching my 24 (!) pun ‘short’ list and accruing a huge number of collective ‘likes’.  The old favourite strategy of replacing just one letter has worked a treat here and one can only let their mind runaway with the thought of how such a pig would use and abuse their notoriety. 



"You've eaten
how many pies?!"



And in 1st Place!

Ooh-Arr Kelly – Gareth Ray

Being a Bristol boy, any pun with a West Country inflection was always likely to make me laugh and this one had me roaring.  I don’t recall seeing Gareth on the leaderboard in the past so well done me babber!  (another bit of Bristol speak there for you)

And now....to People’s Champion!

Fertiliza Minnelli – Katie "The Electric Goose" Everson

Although helped out hugely by the fact that Minnelli mispronounces her own first name, this is a sterling effort.  Everson was clearly working on a higher level than most this week with 24 likes in total across her 5 entries.  It is people like Katie who continue to set the standard and raise the bar.  Congratulations!

 

Honourable Mentions

Geese Witherspoon – James Mochan

Barely a week goes by without James being mentioned on the results page in one way or another.  He is quickly becoming Mr Dependable.

Biggie Smallholdings – Andy Watts

The man is nothing but consistent.  Just two likes fewer than the People's Champion with an entry that at first I didn’t understand.  After exploring a generic search engine I came to appreciate fully.  Funny and educational.

Fert-Elijah Wood – Charlie Branch

Came very close to a debut win with 9 likes for this ingenious effort.  With attempts like this Charlie will be back here.

Richard Gere orf my laaaand – Katie "The Electric Goose" Everson

A prolific week from the People’s Champion.  Without that win I am sure this would have appeared in the top three. 

Another excellent week.  Thank you to Steve for trusting me with a guest spot* and I am sure I speak for all of us when I say thank you for running this to such an excellent level week after week.  I didn’t realise how long the results took to write and so will never moan again, even in jest.

Results - 22.06.12

Categories: Musicians & school/anything to do with education

Mark Lawrenson is the commentary equivalent of a value sized bag of jizzed-on spinach. His insight into the complex kickery of a football match may be highly accurate, I wouldn't know, but his delivery is so miserable that I would rather slowly dissect my renal system with a wooden comb than listen to two hours of his monotone vocal pissing. I tuned into yesterday's International Sports-Ball because I thought I might find myself immersed in some drama and excitement. Instead I found myself watching a game of football being commentated upon with the same level of passion that a cow might invest into a blow-by-blow account of it's own slaughter.

Tom Selleck:
heroin is bad

I don't think many people watching yesterday's match realistically expected much from England's best eleven players. However, I would have liked - just to make things interesting - for the commentary team to have created a false sense of expectation and to have been disgustingly partisan. No such luck. Guy Mowbrary (who sounds like a super-hero style mascot for the pork pie industry) and Mark "The Tom Selleck of Lancashire" Lawrenson spent the whole game declaring that nothing would 'come easily because this was, after all, England we're talking about". However refreshing it might be to finally harbour accurate expectations about English football I found myself preferring the old way: assuming that England are the best footballing team since Real Kick-Sports United FC. English sports fans seem to cope better with shattered dreams than they do with no dreams at all.

It will be a sad indictment for the nation when it wakes up and collectively realises that the one sporting field that remains buoyant and international dominant in is Punning. The Pun-off has been simply wonderful of late - inspiring, hilarious and heart warming. Like Alan Shearer.

In 3rd Place...behold! I sense that we're seeing a danger man develop here:

Examy Davis Jnr - Jack Richard Blakelock Kirby

JRBK delivers a water tight Pun: the modest frontal extension paves the way for a surprising and witty finish. This Pun suggests a methodical approach from Jack. Davis Junior isn't likely to spring to mind immediately and is more likely to have been searched for once 'Exam' had been decided upon as the foundation. I've no qualms to this approach; it implies that Kirby takes his Punning seriously and that he wants his reputation as one of this seasons success stories to be taken seriously as well.

"I DARE you to
be cooler than me"

In 2nd place...she's been top-toeing quietly in the Punning wilderness for a few weeks. But she's back:

SATs Domino - Laura Roberts

Laura's dominant form in early spring faltered as April ended but as predicted she wasn't out of contention for long. The marriage between Syllabic integrity and humour is the very essence of Punning but Roberts' strength is that she isn't afraid to do the basics well. Well done Laura and welcome back!

And in 1st Place...he doesn't place as often as I thought he might. However, I giggled like a tickled toddler when I read this one:

2:2 Pac - Paul Goodman

For such a concise Pun it delivers exceptional value. It falls comfortably into the "Concept Pun" category but stays on the right side of pretentiousness. Goodman has a sharp comic mind and is also blessed with a delightfully funny face. I once even laughed at the back of his head. This Pun won't be for everyone but for me it demonstrates the shear variety of approaches available to Punners - the Concept Pun, the Syllabic match, The Meta-Pun and The Themed Biss to name but a few. Well done Paul...shake your own hand.

And now to PEOPLE'S CHAMPION...

We've not seen a Pun like this before. It's a high concept, meta-Pun so rich and complex that it almost defies description.

Billy - 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939
9375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117
0679 82148086513823066470938446095505823172535940812
8481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964
4288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456
4856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458
7006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892593
60011330530548820466521384146951941511609 - per

Graham Denham

As soon as I saw this one go down I knew it would win this week's ultimate prize. I had an immediate sense that the Pun-Off community would appreciate a Pun so ambitious and a delivery so confident. With 17 "Likes" I'm pleased to award Graham Denham this week's People's Champion award. It's a baffling entry - and I love it.

Honourable Mentions

I've got time for a just a few this weeek:

Ofsted Nugent - John Talbot

My favourite of the Ofsted Puns

Histori Amos - Martin Hall

Typical skill from Hall  - good category mining here.

Mark-King - Nixy Nixipedia

Nixy needed to explain this one as not many people will know about Level 42's notorious slap-bassist. Had we been playing with the staff writing team of Mojo this would have won.

Pi-Mon Le Bon - Paul Parry

Clearly over shadowed by Denham's entry but I'm please Pi featured elsewhere.

Debuts

Rosie Green

I suspect Roise may have played before but I didn't want to risk it. So welcome! An energetic debut.

Jasper Waller-Bridge - I particularly enjoyed his "Grades Jones" effort. Welcome Jasper.

Thank you all for a great week and for all your very useful and interesting feedback concerning the future of The Pun-Off. We are moving house next Friday so I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to run the Pun-Off. If anyone would like to take over judging and results writing duties I'd be most appreciative.

Also, watch out in the week for an awesome guest blog by The Pun-Off's most inconsistent Punner - Rich Dinham.