Categories: UK Towns/Cities & Movies
Fatherhood is imminent. I think it is fair to say that now. We've entered the disconcertingly vague period of pregnancy known as "Full term" and I've been trying to decide how many pints of my glorious local ale (Stroud Brewery's wonderful "Budding") I can have without compromising my now heightened state of vigilance. I am officially on "High Alert/Defcon 5" and should - in theory - be able to deliver Mrs. Pun-off to Stroud Maternity hospital in a flurry of perfectly executed logistical manoeuvres. I think three pints is probably the limit - after that I'm likely to want to finish watching The Bourne Ultimatum and make some Cheese-on-Toast before we walk the 500 yards to the hospital.
That's right...500 yards! I don't yet hold a full driving license and my converted 3-speed track bike won't have enough torque to pull a trailer up the hill - so, we'll be walking to the hospital.
This is all besides the point and merely a backdrop to the highly important business of getting the season finale results out. It's taken me three months to do it - but I haven't spent that three months twiddling my thumbs you know?! I've been a busy boy. I hadn't even looked at the entries until this afternoon so I'm looking at them with totally fresh eyes. Here are the winners and honourables mentions of THE LAST EVER PUN-OFF............of 2012. Ha! Got ya!
And so....in 3rd place....
He's recently become a father himself so I'm sure he'll be reading this with a heart full of love and beard full of sick.
Llandudno retreat - no surrender - Jim Cattell
This Pun is on the clunky side and it delivers late. However, sometimes a pun that doesn't reveal itself too early can be a pleasant surprise - like a person giving you the old "Do you want the good news - or bad news?" spiel. Jim could have used Llandudno twice here but resisted the urge...my inner voice likes the idea but in reality it might be a bit much. It's hard to say. Well done Jim, your punning ability is proving to be as effective as your evidently skillful sperm.
In 2nd place...she's been a consistent performer with flourishes of brilliance; this is a great way to finish a very strong season of punning:
Lytham let die - Vicki Night-Owl Powel
I'd describe this pun as Syllabically perfect and discrete, held together with an admirable knowledge base, finished with a garnish of flare. It's got a beautiful flow to it and is short and impactful enough to go unnoticed when delivered at speed. My previous assumption that Vicki is actually an owl have now been confirmed - owls have been acknowledged to be outstanding at Puns and are currently ranked 3rd in the Animal Species Punning World rankings behind Giraffes and Dogs respectively.
And in 1st place....I don't know much about him but rumours have been circulating that he is the man responsible for the recent price increase of the Cadbury's Fudge.
Truro-mance - Ray Freeplumber Neal
A perfect Pun to finish a perfect season of Punning. Look at it! Look at it's glorious smooth edges and delightful hyphen. Never before has a hyphen brought so much joy. Well done Ray. I'm curious....is "Free Plumber" his name? Or is it one of the following:
1. Ray is a plumber by trade that does pro-bono work for the needy.
2. Ray is a "Free Plumber" in the same sense that a "Free runner" is a person that travels around by jumping about and bouncing off things. Does he fix toilets in this manner?
3. His moniker is a cryptic appeal to free Christopher Plummer* from his contractual obligation to star in a sequel to Schindler's List called "Schinder's crisps".
*yes, I know the spelling is wrong but I'm pretending that it's Ray's mistake, not mine.
And to this week's People's Champion!!!
...sorry...I can't find the original game on my time-line thing so I can't calculate it. So, I declare the People's Champion to be...
TERRY NUTKINS!!!!
Honourable mentions
2001:a Space Oswestry - Paul Goodman
Solid knowledge from the Good Man.
Biscester Act - Rich Dinham
My Lieutenant does splendidly here.
Bude, where's my car? - Chris Wain
"Wain will I, will I be famous?" Sorry Chris.
Inderpenzance Day - Sophie Galpin
The Galp strikes again
Brent of a woman - Ben Sutherland
The London Borough of Brent doesn't quite qualify as a town but I like this one anyway. Oh Ben...you could have had "Stoke-on-Trent of a Woman".
So, here endeth the season of Punning. I don't know when the Pun-off will be back - maybe after Christmas...maybe next Spring...maybe when the baby is old enough to run it in my place! Thanks a million troops...you're all the very best of eggs.
