Pun-off results - Christmas special 2014

Categories: Christmas & household items 

 

It will probably not surprise you that I am writing this beneath the weight of considerable guilt. If it’s of any consolation, I’m not impressed with my tardiness either and have found myself trying to settle on a suitable, believable excuse from the shortlist I developed last week while stirring risotto. So, please pick one you’re happy with and we can all get on with our lives:

 

1. I began and ended a tumultuous love affair with Danny McNamara - lead singer of 90’s rock band Embrace.

 

2. I founded a clothing company with Noel Edmunds called ‘Cotton Edmunds’.

 

3. I was appointed chairman of the Parliamentary Select Committee for Security and Intelligence.

 

4. Hepatitis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, I simply can’t delay and longer – you’ve not come here to dilly-dally.

 

In 3rd place:

 

Loft Tinselation (23 likes) – Chimpo Mcr

 

He’s a robust unit prone to sowing delicate, almost fragrant puns. Here, Chimpo offers an inspired juxtaposition between the desolate, cobwebbed loft and the optimistic sparkle of freshly laid tinsel. Very much a ‘Punner of the people’ Chimpo represents much that is good about Punning in his sensitive, un-showy approach. He always shows courage and foresight throughout his campaigns and is not afraid to express his emotions in a world full of callous cynics.

 

In 2^nd Place:

 

The Queen’s Bleach (24 likes)  – Graeme Smith

 

Familiar to all, revered by many and most probably envied by a few, Smith is very much a punner’s punner. He’s renowned for his explosive pace off the mark and – like his entry here – often unleashes his offerings early and in a manner bordering on confrontational, careful never to cross the line into aggressive. He’s like the big dog that sniffs the little dogs bum – he knows he’s dominant but it’s customary and therefore accepted graciously by the sniffee. A pun that conjures in the mind any sort of feasible reality is destined for recognition here.  

 

And in 1^st place…

 

Duvet know it’s Christmas time – John Talbot (33 likes)

 

Talbot is victorious! Praise him! Seamlessness of phrasing is a speciality that Talbot has pioneered over the years, and his entry here shows that even the most complex phase can be coerced and ultimately upgraded into a pun. Talbot takes the crown for the year and will no doubt carry the mantle with distinction until December. He’s a fine ambassador for Puns and I’m delighted to crown such a worthy winner.


We had strong puns throughout the day with entries from legends of the game, some gifted amateur and a sprinkling of 'start-up' punners. All welcome of course. Some people's form has clearly dipped in light of the extended and enforced sabbatical - but, some and you know who you are) simply haven't lost it. Punning is a momentum game - those that Pun in every day life can walk into a competitive environment without breaking their stride. Some of you benefit from regular formal opportunities, but this ultimately leads to wavering form. If there's one lesson to take from this year's competition it's that if you want to be next year's John Talbo you need to bring puns into everyday life - everyday, and in everyway. Crack on.

Ladies and gentlemen - until next year!

 

The Pun-Off Ends....goodbye!

 

I think it was Frank Skinner that said something along the lines of: "Its better to quickly kick a dog to death than to slowly let is starve".

 

I think he was referring (in rather grizzly terms) to the inevitable fading of old friendships that occurs when one approaches their 30's. I certainly agree with the idea behind the quote and I applaude Mr. Skinner for not submitting to the tempatation to wrap it in a wooly, pleasant metaphor cardigan (like this one). However, the sentiment has been more poetically and universally put than that.

 

It was Neil Young (not the baddie from "Highlander") that said: "It's better to burn out than it is to rust" and I think this idea helped me come to the decision to end The Pun-Off. There is still enthusiasm out there for The Pun-Off, the drop in the number of particiapting punners and those viewing the blog has been noticable but modest, certainly nothing significant. However, I sense that it has run it's course - it's best days are behind it and to lollop on, clinging as we often do to past successes would be both an unwise use of time and an act not in keeping with my forward looking, positive outlook on life.

 

The Pun-off was a surpise "hit" - I started it as a means of extending the fun I'd had making up Puns with my friends in Ravenscourt Park and with my girlfriend when we couldn't sleep. It only became a more formalised institution when the demand indicated the need for structure and govenence. However, what surprised me even more was that the formalising of proceedings increased it's popularity, with people all over the UK (and the World) writing to me asking me to join in.

 

I suppose The Pun-Off has slightly restored my faith in the mild usefulness of Facebook. I have become connected to many people who have a similar outlook on things. I enjoy their statuses, their interesting shares or articles, and their good will about my contributions.  There is of course people to which this doesn't apply, but who am I to exclude someone from The Pun-Off because I don't agree with how they use their own Facebook account. The Pun-Off was intended to be for everyone, and I hope I stayed true to my ideal.

 

I hope to keep in touch with many of you and hope that if we were to bump into one another we might consumate our virtual relationship with actual face-to-face interaction, and who knows...perhaps a pint?

 

There are too many people to thank individually - so I will simpy say this: The Pun-Off has been a genuine honour to run. I am equally humbled and delighted that so many people enjoyed taking part, that laughs were had and that strangers connected and shared something together in the name of good-humour, language and sillyness. I will selfishly confess that I have enjoyed having a platform for my writing. It is something that I enjoy doing and although I'm nothing special in this regard I have enjoyed having the oppourtunity to try my best and persue an ability (however mild) that I really ought to persue. I thank you for your kind words of encouragment and for your compliments.

 

So, that just leaves me to say a final thank-you and goodbye. While "The Pun-Off" ends The Pun still lives on in all of us - there are hundreds of other public punning formats out there. Please forgive me if I am expressing delusions here but The Pun-off genuinely means a lot to me, I am proud of it, and it is sad that it has to end. But there you go...

 

We had a good little thing going there folks; thank you.

 

Geese: Wankers

 

 

  

 

 

Results - 08/02/2013

Categories: Body parts & Countries

The classic thriller "The Fugitive" starring Harrison Ford did little to enhance the image of amputees in the public eye. In fact, it adhered to the persistent and unfair Hollywood habit of giving movie baddies disabilities and deformities. Whether its a hook, an eye-patch, some sort of facial scarring or a manic, sociopathic mental illness - movie baddies will invariably be "differently abled". These physical or mental disorders are subtley referred to almost as the cause of the evil doer's isolation from society - an isolation that leads to hatred and ultimatley to the assembly of a uniformed militia and the construction of a huge and elaborate underwater/inside a volcano base of some kind.

 

 

A non-disabled baddie - Rare!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perhaps Daffydd Cameron's Bedroom tax will inadvertantly limit the activities of these tyrannical disabled beasts by forcing them to pay for all the unused bedrooms in their massive lairs. That would be helpful. Or perhaps, it will simply just make the lives of people with disabilities even harder than it already is. Thanks for that you Moon-faced, horse covetting, chinny ponce. And yes, I've resorted to making fun of your appearance because I couldn't think of anything funny to write about the three tax-payer funded houses you have for your family of five.

 

This of course, leads me to what's his name - fast bloke, no legs, trigger happy - him. He has had two of his body parts amputated and he lives in a foriegn country...and that is the only reason he is getting a mention - because he reminds me of last week's PUN-OFF categories!

 

Alex Jones came flying in early doors with a his popular "Thighland" entry - gaining an admirable 8 Likes and a catchy name for the strip club I assume he intends to open once he gets permission from the council. Alex's effort was closely followed by the precision purility of David Whitehouse's "Botsweener".

 

However, glory was acheived aftre just 49 minutes of play by the magestic Russell Parker who jogged to victory by a huge margin. 16 Likes for his "Ovarie Coast" means that Russell is this week's PEOPLE'S CHAMPION. A testimonial on Russell's website describles him as having "A contagious charm". I know this to be false and can confirm that this is in fact a type error. Russell actually has a contagious ARM.

 

Honourable mentions

 

"Chinidad & Toebago" by Jonjo Neeves deserved much more recognition than it got - althought 11 Likes is not to be sniffed at.

 

Likewise for Philip Ashman's "Japancreas" - a pleasing meld of two highly regarded outposts.

 

Matt Fleming's "Labia" combined brevity, biology and North Africa in one, five letter words. Brave...almost visionary wordage from Fleming.

 

Good work one and all - it was a classic week of punning, a vintage week of skill and hilarity. Thank you once again.

 

Also, please forgive my forgetfulnnes of late - I've either got early onset dementia or its because of the baby.

 

 

 

 

Results - 25th January 2013

Categories: Emotional states/feelings & Animals

 

Last week's Pun-off reminded me of just how varied and complex the spectrum of human emotion can be: the soaring highs, the crushing lows and the muddy ambivalence's of everything in between. It is a small mercy that I have a phenomenally efficient filter in operation ensuring that the response to every question regarding my state of mind starts and finishes with: "Yeah, sound thanks...yeah". I call it the "Sound-thanks Sandwich" and it works wonderfully - give it a go!

 

The winner of last week's fine punnery affair might want to pepper his "How are you?" responses with not so subtle allusions to his glorious victory.

 

Friend: Hey, how are you?

 

Winner: Yeah, sound thanks....<stretching into a fake yawn depicting how casual he is> you know...just winning the Pun-Off and that...but yeah, sound thanks.

 

It was a strong start once again with debutant Andrew William Spence throwing in the highly unorthodox, cryptic but no less enjoyable "Finding Emo" - think about it. It's a good one. David Whitehouse was next to impress with his popular and titular "Sexual Arowlsal" - it's a bit of a tongue twister but Whitehouse is prone to experimentation...and is certainly better for it.
 

This week's People's Champion has been a regular on the Punning Scene since the early days and usually displays a skill level that puts him very much in the "Workmanlike/reliable/dependable" category of punners - skillful but not a mercurial maverick like your Dean's and your Galpin's. However, this week he has risen in prominence to produce this fine piece of work:

 

Pheasantly surprised - Martyn Norman

 

 

"Come at me bro....!"

 

 

 

Congratulations Martyn - a very admirable 12 likes seals the deal for you this week. Pheasantly surprised sounds like the name of tasty west country real ale. Real ale is not only one of the best things to ever happen it is also a refuge for self-conscious Puns. Martyn's Pun is a delight to behold and to say - a worthy winner indeed.

 

Honourable mentions

 

 

Mehcat - Pete Williams

 

The expression "Meh" has recently become absorbed into the lexicon of emotion and I'm delighted that Pete was willing to be progressive and aggressive with it's usage here.

 

Hawkward - Emma Mortali

 

Another belter on a bird theme - creative thinking from Mortali.

Bi-Polar Bear - Jon Fawbert

A popular effort that just missed out on the top spot.


#We also had a couple of debuts this week:


Nick Murrie
It was a tentative opening day for Nick...but we've seen this from debutants before and it's only a matter of time before the need to create increasingly elaborate Puns interferes with his professional life.

Andrew William Spence
A promising new-comer to the competition who has already shown an eagerness and a creative streak. One of my "Ones to watch "for the 2013 season.


A loving, affectionate week of Punning, thank you to all that took part. There will probably be a Pun-Off tomorrow, I'll try not to forget!

 

 

Resuls - 11/01/13

Categories: Novels/books/literature

 

Puns have featured pominently in the public eye this week thanks to the not so surprising discovery of horse in Tesco's "beef burgers". They've been having a right 'mare! See, even I'm at it! All the recycled Puns on my Facebook newsfeed cause me to wonder whether there might be central agency that releases Puns to the public following something vaguely amusing happening in the news. If so, I want a job there.

 

I wasn't surprised to hear that cheap supermarket burgers have got "other" animals in them and I don't exactly sympathise with anyone who feels that they have been decieved by the labelling. Most people who genuinely give a toss about what they put into their bodies know that there are dodgy things going on at the lower end of the price point. To assume that a global corportate monolith has your interests at heart is as naive as it is hilarious.

 

This seemlessly brings us to this weeks competetion. Like last week we almost had a winner from the off with Jonn Dean's compelling opening effort (50 Shades of Cray) and Shane Mageean's wonderfully composed To Krill a Mockingbird. This week's winner is a veteran of The Pun-Off stage:

 

Chimpo McR - Lord of Herrings

 

One is required to slightly alter ones approach with this entry. The natural rhythm of the original phrase is disrupted but the pay-off is well worth the extra linguistic yardage. Chimpo has solid Punning heritage and keeps good word-play company thanks to his association with Pun-Off titan Richard Reason. The pair of them have recently taken to running their own pun-off as a means of promoting their popular Manchester club night. The winner of their competition gets free tickets and exciting free stuff. I may well consider awarding prizes for my Pun-off but the only regular club-like thing I run  is actually the Pun-Off so the prize would be painfully cyclical. Well done Chimpo McR - I've done my best to get yours name right this time!
 



 A male Herring is called a "Hisring"

 

 

 

 

 

Honourable mentions

 

 

Sam Palmer - The Cod Delusion

Wonderful images being conjoured up here - especially in light of the fact that all the Prawn again Christians will be furious. 

 

James Mochan - Clamlet

I understand that James dabbled in one of our defectors Pun-Offs while I was away. You may remember there being a guy I can only describe as "a right bell-end" being involved in the early days. Anyway, he went off and started his own Pun-off and James was seen to get involved. However, I forgive him entirely pending a full letter of apology (and HMV gift card). Welcome back James.

 

Oliver Hire - Great Excrustacians

Mr. Hire always seems to be Punning from some foreign shore and has travelled so widely that it is not uncommon for him to be pulled aside by customs officers because of his  multiple Somali passport stamps. How he manages the all the time-difference and such quality puns is beyond me. 

 

Siany Jones - The Hitch-Pike-ers Tide to the Galax-Sea

This is just massive from Jones. She often aims high and rarely falls short. Known for her multi-puns Siany remains a prominent figure. So much so that she will be running a 3-day Multi-pun workshop at Birmingham NEC in April. Tickets are on sale (£345 inc. accomodation)

 

David Whitehouse - Do Androids Breem of electric Sheep

Unfortunatley for David this fine entry was entered to late to yield an likes - had it not come to mind so late I suspect David would have much to celebrate this week. Solid knowledge base from Whitehouse.

 

 

Thank you to everyone who took part - it was solid week with a pleasant, easy going feel. I look forward to seeing your efforts tomorrow. Get involved, tell your friends, never stop punning!

 

Results - Christmas Special 2012

Categories: Christmas & Famous Brits

 

"What a marvellous food it is!" I thought as I pinched an egg from it's cardboard nest. The humble egg: such a dexterous orb of potential, a proud, unsung martyr amidst all the fluff and grandeur of a modern kitchen. With all it's unhatched potential and vulnerability I admired it, held at eye-level in the fluorescent light of it's battleground and limply wristed it onto the edge of the bowl. As I whisked my mind wandered and happened upon my developing list of New Years resolutions. I decided to add something:

 

1. I will stop personifying foods

If I see an uneaten grape or a forgotten carrot I must not feel sorry for it as if it were a child left behind after World War II evacuation selection line-up. It draws valuable attention away from my own child who I appear to be using as a subconscious conduit for my feelings about food by dropping a small portion of everything I eat on her head.

 

2. I must stop dropping food on my daughter

She spends a lot of time in the sling, attached in a seemingly perilous dangle from my chest. Having her so close is lovely for us both of course but it does mean that I have to do almost everything at arms length - this includes eating. I'm a messy eater at the best of times - at University I has a special T-Shirt I would put on at tea-time to preserve the 2-3 clean ones I had for another day. By the end of term it had absorbed almost every conceivable flavour and could, if licked hard enough, be experienced in the same way as that magic wall paper in Willy Wonka's factory of Choco-perversion. I'm concerned that if the current regime continues relatives visiting and kissing our daughter gently on the cheek will be able to tell what we had for lunch the day before.

 

3. Get to the Pun-off results in under two paragraphs

It appears I have failed on this occasion. Right! Starting Monday...

 

So, in a departure from tradition I will not be awarding a 1st, 2nd and 3rd place anymore. I'm uncomfortable with the power - this is essentially a community brought together by a love of Punning and me deciding a "winner" and hanging the sword of Punicles above their victorious head for a week makes me uncomfortable. Also, the People's Champion is clearly the title to go for - the admiration of your peers is reward enough surely. Honourable mentions will stay and benefit from a slight extension. So here we go:

 

PEOPLE'S CHAMPION

 

The opening Pun of the day at 9:32am was a strong one from James "The Bulb" Watts (DENISE VAN SPROUTEN) and gained an impressive opening vote with 14 likes. This was promptly followed and topped by Philip Ashman who achieved an impressively early 15 likes with his first entry (Ant & Decorations). However, by 9:45am we had our People's Champion:

 

Hanukkah Rice - Jonn Dean

 

Oh! The familiar feeling of typing Jonn Dean's name next to a victorious Pun! I'm not surprised to see Dean featuring so prominently at the start of the season. He showed consistent form in the early days of Pun-Off. He's clearly benefited from the break and returns here as worthy winner with a handsome 19 Likes. Here he shows an astounding flexibility to shift the category cross-culturally without undermining its impact. Sure, syabblically it is strong but that's not why it achieved what it did. There is a nostalgia factor here and possibly even a mild subconscious sexual element as those of us that were pre-teens during Anneka Rice's spandexular reign will testify. I didn't actually have lustfull feeling for Rice...but I sensed that my dad did and that induced an interesting, conflicted reaction in me. The same happened with Debbie McGhee, and Barry Norman. Well done Jon, you're the King of Christmas!!!

 

Factual Caption
Rice: Holding a hat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honourable Mentions

 

Eamon Driving Holmes for Christmas - Kelly Williams

 

Punning House (Stroud) enjoyed this one and I sung it merrily that evening. Williams showed potential through-out the day.

 

David Paperhattenborough - Emma Mortali 

 

Mortali has always been a contender but has (up to now ) not reached her potential - I sense that last week's competition could be the start of something special.

 

Five Gold Stings! - Aaron Pittman

 

I was singing this one too and will do forever more! Pittman wins the Edward McCartney showboating award for his thematic work on the day. Punning strongman Tim Evans very shrewdly forgave the typically frowned upon use of exclamation marks because of the tradition fervour with which "FIIIIIVE GOOOO.....ULD RINGS!" is usually sung.

 

Santa-y Hopkins - Sophie Galpin

 

I anticipated a strong game from Sophie and she did not fail us. Consistently strong and innovative, The Galp is THE punner to watch in this season.

 

And there we have it. Apologies for the slightly late results - my "change of circumstances" (that makes it sound like a bad thing!) means that I am hoping to get the results done in an hour - i.e. my dinner hour on a Monday or Tuesday. It means the results are likely to be a bit shorter but that's no bad thing. So, tune in tomorrow when I will be administering the Pun-Off while travelling to and from Cornwall for work.

 

Thank you to those that welcomed me back so kindly - I really hope that I can deliver on my promise to reinstate The Pun-Off - I will do my best and I hope I can rely on your patience. Until tomorrow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Pun-off returns! Hazah!!

A lot have changed since the Pun-off began back in...when was it?September 2011? I can't remember without looking it up and that would involve me becoming frantically entangled in  a Multiple Internet Browser Scenario (MIBS). I find that a MIBS can only usually be tolerated in the hasty pursuit of pornography or, to take a more current example, the best value electric breast pump. Life moves on.

So, with all the changes I needed The Pun-off to stop for a while and let all the things settle. My witterings might appear like effortless mental spillages but they are in fact the most time consuming challenge I have undertaken since trying to iron a shirt properly for an interview in 2006. It worked, sort of. Instead of looking like a scarecrow, as is normal, I looked like a scarecrow's regional supervisor. It turned out to be enough.

 

Anecdotally speaking, there has been a pleasing demand for the Pun-Off to return. There has even been a small number of people who have struggled immensely without it and who, I believe, have cycled through the five stages of the Kubler-Ross Model of Grief:

 

Denial: Punners continued to turn up at my virtual door on a Friday with puns at the ready only to be turned away like homeless people arriving late for a night shelter.

 

Anger: Mild and probably empty threats were wafted towards me stating that lives could be lost if the Pun-Off did not return immediatly.

 

Bargaining: "Why don't you pass in on to someone" they'd say, and "Why don't you do it once a month instead...please...PLEASE...don't take this away from me"

 

Depression: A palpable malaise gripped many of you - especially those who decided to go part-time at work to accomodate your Punning needs.

 

Acceptance: Some, but not all, decided to move on. A small even group set up a weekly Punning session of their own - the success of which I am keen to hear about. But, as was established when considering Kubler-Ross' model, one cannot accept a loss, one simply adapts to it.

 

The emminent psychologist Robin Barrow developed his model of "The Cycle of Chronic Sorrow" with this pit-fall in mind. While some of you accept that the Pun-Off ended, periods of transition and change are inevitiable and they remind you that life is not as it once was - and so begins the cycle of denial, anger, etc. By the way, "The Cycle of Chronic Sorrow" is what I have christened by bike. It is the transportation equivilant of a disobeident, athsmatic horse.

"Stop! Thief!"
Robin Barrow

 

 

So yes, the Pun-off will return with a Christmas special on Friday 21st December and then, come 2013 it will return properly with a small number of small changes - nothing to worry about - just time savers for me really.

 

More information will follow about the changes, but until then I would invite you to begin thinking about what you need to do to prepare for the new season of Punning. Do you need to reevaluate your style? Is specific training required? I'll leave it up to you of course - but I hope that you are ready to challenge yourselves

Remember our mantra (to paraphrase the Rocky IV sound track):

In the Punner's Code, there's no surrender

Though your body says "Stop"

Your spirit cries - "NEVER"

Deep in your soul, a quiet ember

Knows its YOU-AGAINST-YOU...

It's the paradox that drives us all

Until then my friends...

 

 

 

Pun-off season Finale results!

Categories: UK Towns/Cities & Movies

Fatherhood is imminent. I think it is fair to say that now. We've entered the disconcertingly vague period of pregnancy known as "Full term" and I've been trying to decide how many pints of my glorious local ale (Stroud Brewery's wonderful "Budding") I can have without compromising my now heightened state of vigilance. I am officially on "High Alert/Defcon 5" and should - in theory - be  able to deliver Mrs. Pun-off to Stroud Maternity hospital in a flurry of perfectly executed logistical manoeuvres. I think three pints is probably the limit - after that I'm likely to want to finish watching The Bourne Ultimatum and make some Cheese-on-Toast before we walk the 500 yards to the hospital.

 

That's right...500 yards! I don't yet hold a full driving license and my converted 3-speed track bike won't have enough torque to pull a trailer up the hill - so, we'll be walking to the hospital.

 

This is all besides the point and merely a backdrop to the highly important business of getting the season finale results out. It's taken me three months to do it - but I haven't spent that three months twiddling my thumbs you know?! I've been a busy boy. I hadn't even looked at the entries until this afternoon so I'm looking at them with totally fresh eyes. Here are the winners and honourables mentions of THE LAST EVER PUN-OFF............of 2012. Ha! Got ya!

And so....in 3rd place....

 

He's recently become a father himself so I'm sure he'll be reading this with a heart full of love and beard full of sick.

 

Llandudno retreat - no surrender - Jim Cattell

 

This Pun is on the clunky side and it delivers late. However, sometimes a pun that doesn't reveal itself too early can be a pleasant surprise - like a person giving you the old "Do you want the good news - or bad news?" spiel. Jim could have used Llandudno twice here but resisted the urge...my inner voice likes the idea but in reality it might be a bit much. It's hard to say. Well done Jim, your punning ability is proving to be as effective as your evidently skillful sperm.

 

 

 

In 2nd place...she's been a consistent performer with flourishes of brilliance; this is a great way to finish a very strong season of punning:

 

Lytham let die - Vicki Night-Owl Powel

 

I'd describe this pun as Syllabically perfect and discrete, held together with an admirable knowledge base, finished with a garnish of flare. It's got a beautiful flow to it and is short and impactful enough to go unnoticed when delivered at speed. My previous assumption that Vicki is actually an owl have now been confirmed - owls have been acknowledged to be outstanding at Puns and are currently ranked 3rd in the Animal Species Punning World rankings behind Giraffes and Dogs respectively.

 

 

And in 1st place....I don't know much about him but rumours have been circulating that he is the man responsible for the recent price increase of the Cadbury's Fudge.

 

Truro-mance - Ray Freeplumber Neal

 

A perfect Pun to finish a perfect season of Punning. Look at it! Look at it's glorious smooth edges and delightful hyphen. Never before has a hyphen brought so much joy. Well done Ray. I'm curious....is "Free Plumber" his name? Or is it one of the following:

 

1. Ray is a plumber by trade that does pro-bono work for the needy.

2. Ray is a "Free Plumber" in the same sense that a "Free runner" is a person that travels around by jumping about and bouncing off things. Does he fix toilets in this manner?

3. His moniker is a cryptic appeal to free Christopher Plummer* from his contractual obligation to star in a sequel to Schindler's List called "Schinder's crisps".

 

*yes, I know the spelling is wrong but I'm pretending that it's Ray's mistake, not mine.

 

 

And to this week's People's Champion!!!

 

...sorry...I can't find the original game on my time-line thing so I can't calculate it. So, I declare the People's Champion to be...

 

TERRY NUTKINS!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honourable mentions

2001:a Space Oswestry - Paul Goodman

Solid knowledge from the Good Man.

Biscester Act - Rich Dinham

My Lieutenant does splendidly here.

 

Bude, where's my car? - Chris Wain

"Wain will I, will I be famous?" Sorry Chris.

 

Inderpenzance Day - Sophie Galpin

The Galp strikes again

Brent of a woman - Ben Sutherland

The London Borough of Brent doesn't quite qualify as a town but I like this one anyway. Oh Ben...you could have had "Stoke-on-Trent of a Woman".

 

 

So, here endeth the season of Punning. I don't know when the Pun-off will be back - maybe after Christmas...maybe next Spring...maybe when the baby is old enough to run it in my place! Thanks a million troops...you're all the very best of eggs.

Welcome to the Dadding Zone!

It has become an increasingly futile exercise lately; an endless temple tapping, lip nibbling harassment. To arrive at a suitable conclusion regarding the “Essence of Dad” seems like a distant dream to me now, and yet I still found myself vigilantly searching for clues from the small cohort of Dads that stood before me over the weekend. A flotilla of Dad’s joined some friends and I for a few days of father-son bounding, real ale and International Rugby Football Union. That’s the official line anyway. I’d imagine that we youngsters also relished a rare opportunity to gather together a unique super-species of man and simply drink in their effervescent, conspicuous Daddery. Uniting Dads that haven’t met before and reviewing the ensuing behavioral trends is a sociological study I’m convinced could unlock the secrets of our gender. Perhaps if I could just identify a formula or nail down some sort of Dadding doctrine I thought. With this information I could square away the final facets of my own stuttering masculinity and discover what impact, if any, being raised almost exclusively by women has had on my ability to mend broken things and casually dispose of arachnids.

The essence that I’m speaking of does not refer to my dad in particular, and I’m certainly not referring to the way that he or any other Dad smells. While I don’t doubt that Dads across the land frequently radiate undertones of leather and wood, I doubt that Calvin Klien are cornering reticent, bare-chested fathers in sterile laboratories and swabbing them for inspiration. I can picture the campaign - “CK Dad: Release your inner Pragmatist”. Nah, not likely. Actually, I’d wager that most Dads haven’t even got time for smelling; they’re too busy trying to find practical solutions to emotional problems.

The weekend was a success in most – but not all – respects; the lads provoked voracious ale consumption and the Dads obliged, growing surprising rowdy towards the end. Tales of yesteryear were exchanged, music and movie tastes were debated (and mercifully agreed upon) and goodbyes seemed heartfelt. However, answers to key questions were allusive; conclusions were not arrived at and the only trends that became apparent related to the presence of robust action-slacks and stout multi-purpose sandals. It seems that a Dad outside of his natural habitat becomes an altogether different beast. Put a Dad in his natural environment (this will vary from Dad to Dad) and perhaps then clues will begin to emerge. Take for example my girlfriend’s Dad. I’ve seen him in his natural environment many a time – his garden, attending to practical duties on a Sunday morning. At this time he’s a like a city-fox…just a second….I’m not suggesting that he’s a semi-feral, flea ridden, uber-rodent who chews on the limbs of East London children, not at all. My comparison refers to how he might briefly catch your eye before hastily disappearing to attend to affairs elsewhere, seemingly just wondering around but actually in the midst of a pre-set, almost instinctive pattern of movement. He might glide past the kitchen window holding a rake or appear in the lounge, as if from nowhere, holding something that should have batteries but doesn’t; his eyes hungry for answers. At these times he is of course in The Zone…..The Dadding Zone!

I’ve seen my own dearest Papa in The Dadding Zone many a time – cautiously winding his watch to establish fully accurate time and date information, ensuring he is on time and on-guard at all times; the concentration forcing his tongue out between his lips. When I was little he was always in The Zone; Dadding diligently across every conceivable landscape. I see it less so now; not because he cares less or resents it, but because the playing field has leveled. He’s still in The Dadding Zone most of the time though, even in the absence of his children; it seems that once you enter you cannot completely leave.

As I have declined/evolved (delete as applicable) from a young man into becoming simply a “man” my Dad has become an increasing real person. As we have grown, his once “natural Dadding environments” have changed – his house, the car, the side-line, the riverbank, my mum’s bad books, the swimming pool, the promenade. The contexts of these environments have evolved and their functions have changed; all thanks to the inevitable growing older of his son. I’ve started to see my Dad as an actual person now; a fallible, questionably principled, waveringly stable human; just like everyone else. I’m thankful for it. His status simply as “Dad” seems at odds with the overwhelming reality that he is another person, pioneering across the ups and downs of a less than thrilling ride through modern masculinity and traditional bull sh*t. I couldn’t see any of this when I was young; I was too busy being cared for, advised and entertained. I was a busy boy.

Dad Jeans: Casual, smart, practical....
something for everyone!

These days I am still a busy boy and I see my Dad a handful of times a year, it’s always a joy. He is still my Dad in every sense but we connect in different ways. His apparent transformation in my eyes has not undermined the bound between us. Despite the apparent obligation to connect with each other with noisy, obvious ceremony I have never felt as close to him as I do these days; often sitting opposite one another in silence for hours on end, heads down, hands out as I mercilessly destroy him at chess.

They’re a remarkable bunch the Dads, and that’s putting it lightly. Their “Essence” can’t be bottled and passed around for us to consume. We can’t tap into their rich vein of experience, wisdom and confidence without doing the required leg work. Sure, we can point and laugh at their pragmatic haircuts and their fondness for sensible, weather-conscious shoes, but we….hang on…actually, let’s just do that. Let’s just take the p*ss out of them while we still can. Our time will come I know; it’s only a matter of a time before all the irony disappears out of my fondness for Phil Collins. Sometime in the near future I hope to have a son of my own. One day, many years from now, I will express an opinion about rock music or wear terrible jeans to a family function. He will look up at me over the rim of his pint glass, and utter those sacred words: “Oh my God Dad, you’re such a t*at”. I will have made it, I will finally be there, I will have entered and will never fully leave – The Dadding Zone.

Results - 20.07.12 By Rich Dinham

Categories: Sportsmen/women &  Relationships/dating/romance

There I was, sat content in my easy chair, reflecting on a rare productive Sunday. Everything I had set out to do had been achieved and all I had left to do was the seemingly daily task of clearing my work emails. But no worries I thought; I’ll turn on the TV for some mild distraction. There was nothing on apart from an ‘I’m Alan Partridge’ omnibus. Fair enough, I’d not watched them for a couple of weeks, why not?

Only seconds after turning it on, Partridge uttered the excellent sentence “Now for some Bill Withers, who thank the Lord is still ‘withers’”. Suddenly my mood had changed – damn, the pun-off results. Nothing like Partridge to focus the mind. I’d already sat down on Friday evening to write them up but drew a complete blank. I think my lack of inspiration then and my absent-mindedness tonight stemmed from a general moribund feel to proceedings throughout most of Friday.

The first hour had started promisingly but after that I feel that neither the quantity nor quality were there. There were the fewest amount of entries and ‘likes’for months and overall it felt a bit like a Friday in November 2011 when the pun-off was in its infancy. I can only speculate on the explanation: maybe it was because Mr Pun-Off himself was not involved, maybe it was holiday reasons or maybe it was just a coincidence that a high number of people were busy.

This is not to say that there weren’t some stupendous and delectable efforts. Don’t get me wrong, I was left feeling yet more envy on a number of occasions. Here are the results:

In 3rd Place...

Sven Goran Erection – Oliver Hire
Another of the sex puns and one wonders if Ulrikka gave Sven this nickname during their trysts. Excellent work from Oliver.


In 2nd Place...

Stiffi Graff – Gareth Ray

Unsurprisingly there were a lot of sex related puns this week. Steve’s warning for cleanliness fell on deaf ears but I didn’t mind as I sniggered like a school-child. Mr Ray’s effort was the best of the rudies – Jurassic Park, he is surely now thinking.

And in 1st Place...

Wooed Gullit – Jim Cattell

Cashback! For me, this is superb.Jonathan Ross would actually pronounce the pun and real name exactly the same. Gullit was a great footballer but I am sure he would swap his seven league titles with an ability to pun like Cattell.During his 6 year career as a pundit I’ve not even heard him make an attempt.

The moustache is a very
welcome bonus

And so....to PEOPLE'S CHAMPION!!!

Martina Love Rat Alova – Gareth Yardley

Gareth stole a yard with this early effort and got his just rewards with a respectable 11 likes. Technically it is not the greatest but what it lacks in symmetry and ease of reading it certainly makes up for in wit and humour.Well done sir.


Honourable Mentions

Bobby Moorgasm – Dave High
Dave was on top form this week and just missed out on a top three finish. He also came up with the popular ‘Lionel Messi Divorce’.

Casanovak Djokovic – Charlie Branch
Another popular entry that just missed out. Branch is hitting form now (primarily when I judge – mines a cider Charlie!)

Boris Bicker – Sophie Galpin
Another top entry from Galpin who is one of my favourite punners. Such incredible consistently is nearly unrivalled.

Pervin Hughes – Alan Mitchell
I reckon old Emlyn looks like a bit of a perv so this one had extra resonance for me. Another member of ‘The Consistents’ – back of the net!

(Ed. I suspect Rich has got Mervin Hughes and Emlyn Hughes mixed up a bit! Still...it works either way!) 

ForePele – Tim Evans
Arguably the cleverest pun this week. Another strong bunch of fives from Evans.


Thank you to those who entered. Hopefully those who were away will be back next week. One person who will not be here for a while is Mr James Mochan (I can hear the cheers as I type). James has been one of the very best over the last couple of months and he now gets his ultimate reward by getting married to his sweetheart. We will miss his hilarity for sure but at least we all have a bit more of a chance to hone our skills over the next four weeks. Wishing James and Jules all the best for the big day. Jack-anak-anory.